01.12.2025

Modern women speak out: Why today’s men must evolve - Not expect women to change

A powerful firsthand letter from a 35-year-old professional woman revealing why modern relationships collapse when men expect women to adapt. This GC feature the urgent need for men to relearn what true gentlemanly conduct means in 2026.

GC illustration.
 

Dear GC,

This feedback on "why modern women expect men to adapt - Not the other way around" you have shared touches a lot about reality. I am a 30-year-old+ Manager working in one of Malaysian banks. Recently separated after a 4-year marriage with no children. Simple reason: The man wanted to change my attitude.

You really need to create an awareness here, perhaps a collaboration with all the men digital magazine out there to shout out to every man that it's time to come out from your cocoons. There are just literally so many men who completely fail in protecting women.

Men should know this, most women mulut laser, yes cakap lepas je..so when we mulut laser to you, you guys freeze in shock. When we continue mulut laser, you start raising your voice because you can't take the noise. What were you expecting when you decided to stay with a woman? Staying with a woman means you should expect plenty of noises at home. You will hear us nagging. You will hear us giving instructions for you to follow. You will hear a lot of noises. You are living with modern women not a traditional wife. As a man you are supposed to adapt with living with loud noises.

Giving a woman money and providing shelter doesn't warrant for a woman to change her attitude or behavior. That has always been a man's responsibility to do that. The most sensitive area to bring up is when man raising financial issues to a woman. When we don't listen to you, you bring up money into the conversation. I pay everything for you but I don't get anything from you.

This is a one area that you have to educate all men. Stop putting money when you converse with a woman. It is triggering. It's provoking. You are behaving like a baby when you bring money into an argument. A man is suppose to act like a man not whine like a baby.

Please, just let the woman does what she wants to do. Don't judge what a woman should wear. "I need you to wear this and that, this skirt not nice, that not nice". I am tired of this schtick. To all women, don't listen to all this. Stick to what you think is nice to wear. Quit making us look like a traditional wife....that is a bygone era.

Please move on.

Many women have repeatedly emphasized this in your feedbacks - wives are not your moms nor your maid. If you need a massage, there are a lot of massage parlors there. If you need dinner on the table, if we are not in the mood to cook, please spend for grab. Don't babble about grab being expensive. If it is, cook yourself. You are not married to a traditional wife. If you have a baby crying in the crib at 3 am, don't expect the woman to get up, be a gentleman and look after the baby, and let the lady peacefully sleep.

Another area where men frequently fail is liking the opposite sex photos on social media...in one of your feedbacks you explicitly stated this:

"It is not momentary attention. It is sustained, secretive commitment to betrayal.”

You indicate that you support liking a photo because you view it as merely a momentary attention. My feedback to you is, please expand your network to include more women in your discussions and raise this issue with them. Take note on what they say. This is one of the main issues I had with my former husband, secretly liking another gender photo, behind my back. You may think it's just a "momentary attention" but it is a major turned off among many women. In fact, it ruins the girlfriend/ wife image when her girlfriends find out that their friend's husbands or boyfriends are liking another woman's photo behind their friend's back. What would they think? They would think he is either a sick or she is just stupid to marry him. It creates this perception that can tarnish reputations. To us woman, we see this as an act of infidelity. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

A gentleman means a man who would be her sole protector, so please carry your duty as one. A protector doesn't change his woman. He appreciates her. He doesn't whine about money to her. He listens. He doesn't force things for her to do; he does it on behalf of her. He doesn't give orders to her but he takes them. He doesn't ask her money but he gives them. Are the men of GC able to do carry out all this?

Your recent article spoke of authoritarianism. I have an authoritarian personality as do many women today. I graduated with a PhD in e-Commerce in Dublin. I have dated a Dublin man before and unfortunately, like most Malaysian men, a Dublin man still holds the traditional mindset that a woman does the cleaning and cooking and everything else around the house. You don't expect me to keep quiet and do the house chores. If I want you to do something, don't attempt to question me or belittle my intelligence. Expect me to question the legitimacy of a man's instruction if he asks me to do something that I find it stupid. Dublin men will not hold back their tongue when a woman talks. There are lots of heated arguments between a woman and a man in Dublin. I thought Malaysian men were lacking but men in Dublin too are not gentle at all. What is even more glaring is their relationship with their mothers. A Dublin man loves their mother more than their wife and loves to make comparison.

A woman doesn't need to reciprocate to be gentle because a woman has unstable emotions. Most women are born to be loud and full of emotions. I have girlfriends who would just scream their lungs out that neighbors would hear, when they have their periods and their husbands would scream back at them and all hell break loose. It evidently shows that men are not gentle. Men do not have patience. They are not man enough to withstand a woman's voice especially when they are angry / demanding / instructing.

A man has so much to learn before they deserve to be called a gentleman, at least not in Malaysia or Ireland, based on my experience.

Laila

Answer by The Gent:

Dear Laila,

Thank you for your candid letter and for sharing your personal experience. Your pain from your recent separation is evident, and we acknowledge the legitimate frustrations you've raised.

Your letter, along with dozens of others we've received recently, confirms something we've been observing: the traditional relationship framework is collapsing. You're absolutely right about this. What you're experiencing - and what many women and men are struggling with - is the chaotic transition period where old models no longer work, but new ones haven't yet been defined, deliberated, and adopted by society.

The Vacuum Between Frameworks

The traditional framework had clear role definitions. It assigned rigid expectations based solely on gender. It is not perfect. Nevertheless, it kept the society flourishing for the past thousand years or so.

But here's the thing. That system is crumbling in 2025.

Here's what we're observing in the feedback we receive: people are proposing different replacement frameworks, and these frameworks are often incompatible with each other.

You describe yourself as educated, assertive, and opinionated - traits that are valuable and should be celebrated. You've also identified yourself as having an "authoritarian personality" and expect your partner to adapt to this without question. You've experienced relationships where men expected you to conform to traditional domestic roles, which you found unacceptable. Both experiences highlight the central problem: when one person demands unilateral adaptation from the other, regardless of which direction that demand flows, the relationship becomes unsustainable.

What We're Learning From Our Readers

The hundreds of feedbacks we receive over the year reveal something crucial: both women and men are exhausted. Women are tired of being expected to manage all domestic labor while also working professionally. Men are tired of being told their only value lies in financial provision while their emotional needs go unacknowledged. Both are discovering that simply reversing the power dynamic doesn't create partnership - it just changes who feels unheard.

Your letter touches on several areas where legitimate concerns become problematic when framed as one-sided obligations:

On emotional expression: You're right that suppressing emotions is unhealthy. But describing women as "born to be loud and full of emotions" with "unstable emotions" actually reinforces stereotypes that have historically been used to dismiss women's legitimate concerns. Emotional expression is human; emotional regulation is everyone's responsibility, regardless of gender.

On domestic responsibilities: Absolutely, wives are not maids or mothers to their husbands. This is non-negotiable. But the inverse is equally true - husbands are not servants or ATMs to their wives. Partnership means both people contribute according to their abilities and circumstances, with ongoing negotiation and appreciation.

On financial dynamics: We agree completely that bringing up money during arguments as a power play is unacceptable. However, financial discussions themselves aren't inherently problematic. Healthy couples need to discuss resources, contributions, and expectations transparently - not as weapons, but as partners planning a life together.

On social media boundaries: This is perhaps where you've identified the most important emerging issue. Digital behavior in relationships is new territory, and couples are still defining what constitutes betrayal in online spaces. Your feelings about this are valid, and many share them. However, the conversation requires nuance - blanket statements like "once a cheater, always a cheater" applied to social media likes may not serve anyone well. What matters is that couples establish clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries and honor them.

Redefining "Gentleman" for the New Framework

You ask whether GC's men can carry out a list of duties: never changing their partner, never mentioning money, always listening, doing things on behalf of her, taking orders but never giving them. Here's our honest answer: we don't believe this definition serves anyone - women included.

A gentleman in the emerging framework isn't someone who erases himself. He's someone who:

1. Respects his partner's autonomy while maintaining his own

2. Contributes equitably to domestic life without being asked to prove his worth constantly

3. Communicates needs and boundaries clearly and kindly

4. Listens deeply and also expects to be heard

5. Provides support without using it as leverage

Notice the pattern? These qualities require mutuality.

The Path Forward

You suggest we collaborate with men's publications to tell men to "come out of your cocoons" and adapt to women's expectations. We'd propose something different: a broader conversation about what mutually respectful partnership looks like when neither traditional nor reverse-traditional frameworks work.

This means:

1. Women don't have to choose between being "traditional wives" or authoritarians - there's vast territory in between

2. Men don't have to choose between being patriarchs or doormats - partnership isn't about dominance in either direction

3. Both people get to be fully human: emotional, imperfect, growing, and deserving of respect

Your experiences in Malaysia and Dublin reveal something important: this confusion about frameworks is global. Men everywhere are struggling to understand what's expected of them when the old rules are gone but new ones remain undefined.

Our Commitment

GC exists to elevate men in broad spectrum of living, that include creating awareness on how men can navigate this transition thoughtfully. We're not advocating for a total return to traditional frameworks, nor are we suggesting men should accept treatment they wouldn't tolerate in any other relationship. We're exploring what it means to be a good partner - respectful, growth-oriented, and emotionally mature - in relationships built on genuine equality.

The new framework won't be defined by any single publication or perspective. It will emerge from millions of conversations like this one, as we collectively figure out how to honor both people's full humanity in partnership.

We wish you healing and, eventually, a partnership built on the mutual respect and adaptation that sustainable relationships require.

 

With respect,

The Gent

 

 

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Please note:

1. We no longer accept letters on divorce issues.

2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence, race and religion topics, or hate speech.

3. If you are writing on behalf of an institution, organisation, or formal body and wish to submit a letter to GC, we kindly request that you provide reasonable proof of your affiliation or existence. This helps us maintain the integrity of all correspondence.

4. We reserve the right to adjust the tone or language of any published letter- without altering its core content or context - to ensure that the standards of tact, respect, and public discourse are upheld.

Thank you for your understanding.

Related posts