07.09.2024

Elderly reader reflects on societal influence on dressing well and values

A 74-year-old reader shares insights on how societal changes have influenced fashion and personal values, contrasting modern casual wear with traditional elegance. Reflecting on family dynamics and the preservation of royal cultural traditions, he acknowledges the challenges of promoting gentlemanly values in today’s evolving world.

Danial Deen Isa Kalebic, a Malay royal descendant who is now a Bruneian nobleman, and voted by GC as among the world's most elegant men in 2022.

Picture for illustration only | Getty Images

Question from Mr. A.M.:

Good afternoon Gentlemen,

Hope this email finds you well. I may be the oldest person communicating with you as I am 74 years old, happily retired and playing golf almost every week. You might be curious why an octogenarian such as I would want to communicate with you. I was taking my time going through some of the issues which you have consolidated on your site and I think I could relate some of those with my life. I have 5 adult children. 5 girls and 1 guy. The eldest is my girl who is 38 years old, followed by the boy who is 36 years old. My other girl is 33 and my youngest is 29 .

I am a proud father to have raised them to become who they are today, at least someone with a stable job, a good position and a healthy pay grade. What they all seem to have in common is that they do not want to settle down. I am not complaining as long as they are happy, I am happy as they have more time to take care of me and listen to my bickering as I am a single parent. Their mother walked away from us 10 years ago and she remarried, but what I want to highlight here is that society has truly changed us because society influences our consciousness via social connection. Our own circle of people shapes and exposes us to societal norms / beliefs. I asked my eldest daughter out of curiosity why won't she settle down, she says it's a waste of time because the people around her are either unhappily staying married or in the midst of a divorce. She says even those who are married, tell her not to get married because they are extremely unhappy. She also says she doesn't need a man, she has her sisters and brother if she needs help. I asked my son, and I got a similar answer. These are coming from 38 and 36 year olds. I would expect them to expedite their search for a partner given their age. I don't blame them for thinking that way because I am a divorcee myself but you can clearly see how our surroundings play a role with how we think and behave.

Another good example, I was born in 1950 and grew up where collared shirts, bell bottoms and platform shoes take the center stage. We were more properly dressed than we are today. But somehow things change, we start to become more casual year by year and fast forward today, it's clear that fashion has undergone a significant transformation. It has veered away from the traditional norms but embraces a more laid-back style of casual wear. Casual clothes means more freedom to move. Again, the influence of society has changed the way we dress.

But there are selected people who continue to dress well regardless, which usually are people from the elite group like the royalties being one example. Because they were brought up with a certain value / standard, and by refusing to embrace those standards would be seen as treason by the family. Titles like Megat, Raja, Tengku are not merely just a title but a birthright that links to their forefathers. Refusing to pass these titles down to your child would mean a betrayal to the royal protocol as these titles harkens during the glorious era of the Melaka Sultanate. Enforcing such rules and laws preserve such tradition.

My good friend, YM Tengku Datuk Wan, (I am sure he doesn't mind mentioning his name since there are many Tengku Wans out there), smart chap, was adamant about preserving the royal cultural traditions and customs. He wanted his son to marry someone from a royal family to have a shared cultural background and to eventually pass down the royal tradition to the next generation. This is one way how someone preserves culture by limiting the circle with only people who embrace and uphold these cultural values.

Your purpose to bring awareness about men to be gentlemen is virtuous albeit a very uphill battle especially as it involves the general audience where their principles and values change with the various interactions they have with others as time moves, as evidently shown in my examples above. Something to ponder about.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Good evening En. A.M.,

Thank you for your thoughtful email and for sharing such rich personal experiences. It’s truly an honor to connect with someone like yourself, with a wealth of wisdom from decades of life and fatherhood. I agree wholeheartedly with your observations that society’s influence has profoundly shaped the way we dress and conduct ourselves in today’s world. We see it reflected not only in culture of dressing but also in values and relationships.

My father, much like your esteemed friend Datuk Tengku Wan, who is a man of royal descendant, often reminded me of the importance of preserving traditional values, particularly in how we dress and conduct ourselves in social environments. He would say that, in the end, these noble values—dressing elegantly, maintaining proper manners, and upholding customs—are safeguarded by those who honor their lineage, like members of royal families and their descendants. It is through their commitment to these traditions that such values are passed on, even as broader society changes around them.

I also agree with your honorable friend YM Tengku Datuk Wan in his determination to uphold royal customs. It’s his dedication to culture, akin to Bruce Wayne in honoring the Wayne family name, that ensures such traditions endure, no matter how much the wider world changes.

I wholeheartedly agree with your honorable view that GC' mission to bring awareness about men striving to be gentlemen faces an uphill battle. Society is, as you’ve demonstrated, constantly evolving, with no single authority cultural force sets the standards, and the values that once defined a gentleman seem more fluid in today's world. But, as you wisely noted, it is precisely because we are part of that society—and because men who share in this aspiration also exist in it—that I believe this movement will eventually make a noble impact, notwithstanding on our recent worldwide recognition.

Please send my warm regards to your family and YM Tengku Datuk Wan. We stand in admiration of those, like yourselves, who continue to advocate for the preservation of culture and tradition in a way that fosters manly excellence.

Wishing you continued good health and happiness on the golf course.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

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Elderly reader reflects on societal influence on dressing well and values

Danial Deen Isa Kalebic, a Malay royal descendant who is now a Bruneian nobleman, and voted by GC as among the world's most elegant men in 2022.

Question from Mr. A.M.:

Good afternoon Gentlemen,

Answer by The Gentleman:

Good evening En. A.M.,

I also agree with your honorable friend YM Tengku Datuk Wan in his determination to uphold royal customs. It’s his dedication to culture, akin to Bruce Wayne in honoring the Wayne family name, that ensures such traditions endure, no matter how much the wider world changes.

Please send my warm regards to your family and YM Tengku Datuk Wan. We stand in admiration of those, like yourselves, who continue to advocate for the preservation of culture and tradition in a way that fosters manly excellence.

Wishing you continued good health and happiness on the golf course.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

READ MORE: Upholding noble values in the face of modern narratives

READ MORE: Reflections on Tunku's perspective on class and gentlemanly standards

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