12.03.2025

When ‘Being a Gentleman’ becomes a bargaining chip

Are women misusing the term ‘gentleman’ to manipulate men? Ivan from Ipoh shares his relationship experiences, questioning the modern misinterpretation of gentlemanly behavior.

Helen of Troy (Bella Dayne) meets Paris (Louis Hunter) | Troy: Fall of a City

Netflix.

Letter from Ivan.

Warm greetings to the fellowship of GC,

Ivan from Ipoh. Just a short feedback from me which I think is glaring that women in general, have often misunderstood the meaning of a gentleman.

This is my observation. Why I say this? From my experience of 7 previous relationship. I am never married and I do not wish to after troubles finding the right one. Each time we quarrel over anything, be it money, be it preference be it anything, women will always end the argument on a high note by saying to me "you are not a gentleman". When remarks like this are made, I question them back what do you mean by not being a gentleman? They will reply by saying it's because I am disobeying their wishes / demands / requests / instruction.

You will never hear them telling you about being polite, being helpful, being smart, being respectful. It's always if you don't do this for me, you are not a gentleman.

I once argued with my ex gf over my hobbies where she does not prefer me playing golf frequently. I play golf once a week ever since I was 18 years old. Golf is my life even before I had any rships and now a woman comes to me and wants me to reduce it by once a month. Hell no. Why? Because she doesn't like golf so she wants me to stop playing on a weekly basis. We had a fight over a silly matter like this and she claims I am no gentleman. Why would I sacrifice my happiness of playing golf over a woman? It is not an illegal activity. But when I ask her whether she would do the same for me, she said a man shouldn't be telling what a girl should do. A man should do what a girl tells. This response was from my ex gf of my recent relationship. It's a good thing I broke up with her.

I encountered the same with another relationship of mine. She had a temper problem. When she raises her voice, I must not raise my voice. When she is angry, she expects me to be silent and listen to her rant. She wants me to be a gentleman but she is not displaying any trait of a lady. How can I be a gentleman by being forced to hear someone ranting out their frustration with all the curse, fuck you fuck this fuck that.... When I interject to say something, her anger then focuses on me for not keeping quiet. I find myself in a situation of being bullied by a woman instead of being a gentleman.

There was another relationship of mine where money was an issue for her. We were just in a relationship for a month and she is asking for allowances on top of paying her hp bills and car. It was a 6 month relationship before I ended because she just took advantage of me with all my money used to pay for her things.

I expected her as a US graduate to understand financial management but I was dead wrong. If I don't pay any of what she wants, she says I am not a gentleman and she would scream her lungs out at me. I knew she was taking advantage of me.

In my experience, it seems that most women do not know the meaning of a gentleman and tosses the term around just to make men oblige with what they want. They use the word for their advantage. That is not how it should work. They should learn the meaning of what a gentleman is before they start using that word.

If men are not aware of what a gentleman constitutes, they might fall for these women's demands thinking that it is a gentleman trait to oblige.

Thanks.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Ivan,

Your letter struck a chord with us.

There's something particularly frustrating about having a concept like "gentleman" weaponized against you in moments of conflict. What should be a mark of character and dignity becomes instead a tool of manipulation when misapplied this way.

The truth is, the term "gentleman” is a distinction, compliment that is earned and given to you, not something you boast to everyone. It's humbling, really, when someone refers to you as a gentleman. You can’t just be a gentleman, everyday you have to work on it and work on it.

The situations you've described reveal a troubling pattern. When "you're not a gentleman" becomes shorthand for "you're not doing what I want," it empties the term of its true meaning. A gentleman's conduct isn't measured by his compliance with demands, but rather by his integrity, respect, and consideration for others—qualities that should be reciprocal in any relationship.

Your golf example particularly resonates. A weekly round that's been part of your life since you were 18 isn't just a hobby—it's a cornerstone of your identity and wellbeing. Being expected to dramatically reduce something so fundamental to your life, with the alternative being labeled "ungentlemanly," reveals a profound misunderstanding of what gentlemanly behavior actually entails.

The double standard you encountered—where your reasonable responses to anger were deemed ungentlemanly, while explosive behavior from your partner was somehow acceptable—highlights a painful imbalance. And being expected to provide financially beyond your comfort or means, with the threat of "ungentlemanly" accusations looming, demonstrates how this misunderstanding can lead to exploitation.

Moving forward, we believe your awareness is already your greatest asset. Continue to trust your instincts about what constitutes reasonable boundaries. When someone uses "gentleman" as leverage rather than acknowledging it as a character trait, recognize this as a potential red flag. In early stages of relationships, observe how she defines and applies concepts like "gentleman" or "chivalry"—does she view these as mutual respect or as tools for compliance?

Consider articulating your own definition of gentlemanly conduct clearly and early. This isn't about creating confrontation, but about establishing mutual understanding. A relationship built on reciprocal respect rather than one-sided demands creates space for both partners to be their best and happy selves.

Your experiences have given you valuable discernment. Use it to recognize partners who appreciate true gentlemanly qualities without attempting to manipulate these concepts to their advantage.

Thank you for sharing these experiences with the GC fellowship. There's value in speaking these truths aloud, and we believe many readers will see themselves in your words.

With respect,

The Gentleman

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When ‘Being a Gentleman’ becomes a bargaining chip

Are women misusing the term ‘gentleman’ to manipulate men? Ivan from Ipoh shares his relationship experiences, questioning the modern misinterpretation of gentlemanly behavior.

Helen of Troy (Bella Dayne) meets Paris (Louis Hunter) | Troy: Fall of a City

Letter from Ivan.

Warm greetings to the fellowship of GC,

Ivan from Ipoh. Just a short feedback from me which I think is glaring that women in general, have often misunderstood the meaning of a gentleman.

You will never hear them telling you about being polite, being helpful, being smart, being respectful. It's always if you don't do this for me, you are not a gentleman.

I expected her as a US graduate to understand financial management but I was dead wrong. If I don't pay any of what she wants, she says I am not a gentleman and she would scream her lungs out at me. I knew she was taking advantage of me.

If men are not aware of what a gentleman constitutes, they might fall for these women's demands thinking that it is a gentleman trait to oblige.

Thanks.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Ivan,

Your letter struck a chord with us.

There's something particularly frustrating about having a concept like "gentleman" weaponized against you in moments of conflict. What should be a mark of character and dignity becomes instead a tool of manipulation when misapplied this way.

The truth is, the term "gentleman” is a distinction, compliment that is earned and given to you, not something you boast to everyone. It's humbling, really, when someone refers to you as a gentleman. You can’t just be a gentleman, everyday you have to work on it and work on it.

Your experiences have given you valuable discernment. Use it to recognize partners who appreciate true gentlemanly qualities without attempting to manipulate these concepts to their advantage.

Thank you for sharing these experiences with the GC fellowship. There's value in speaking these truths aloud, and we believe many readers will see themselves in your words.

With respect,

The Gentleman

READ MORE: The Definition of a Gentleman by David Gandy

READ MORE: Why modern chivalry is dead

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Related posts

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When ‘Being a Gentleman’ becomes a bargaining chip

Are women misusing the term ‘gentleman’ to manipulate men? Ivan from Ipoh shares his relationship experiences, questioning the modern misinterpretation of gentlemanly behavior.

Helen of Troy (Bella Dayne) meets Paris (Louis Hunter) | Troy: Fall of a City

Letter from Ivan.

Warm greetings to the fellowship of GC,

Ivan from Ipoh. Just a short feedback from me which I think is glaring that women in general, have often misunderstood the meaning of a gentleman.

You will never hear them telling you about being polite, being helpful, being smart, being respectful. It's always if you don't do this for me, you are not a gentleman.

I expected her as a US graduate to understand financial management but I was dead wrong. If I don't pay any of what she wants, she says I am not a gentleman and she would scream her lungs out at me. I knew she was taking advantage of me.

If men are not aware of what a gentleman constitutes, they might fall for these women's demands thinking that it is a gentleman trait to oblige.

Thanks.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Ivan,

Your letter struck a chord with us.

There's something particularly frustrating about having a concept like "gentleman" weaponized against you in moments of conflict. What should be a mark of character and dignity becomes instead a tool of manipulation when misapplied this way.

The truth is, the term "gentleman” is a distinction, compliment that is earned and given to you, not something you boast to everyone. It's humbling, really, when someone refers to you as a gentleman. You can’t just be a gentleman, everyday you have to work on it and work on it.

Your experiences have given you valuable discernment. Use it to recognize partners who appreciate true gentlemanly qualities without attempting to manipulate these concepts to their advantage.

Thank you for sharing these experiences with the GC fellowship. There's value in speaking these truths aloud, and we believe many readers will see themselves in your words.

With respect,

The Gentleman

READ MORE: The Definition of a Gentleman by David Gandy

READ MORE: Why modern chivalry is dead

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Related posts