The decline of ladylike grace: A modern man’s perspective
Exploring the decline of traditional femininity, the role of religious and philosophical teachings, and the challenges modern men face in relationships.
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Henry Golding and Sonoya Mizuno.
Photo for illustration only. Photograph by Miles Aldridge.
I have had 5 failed relationships including 1 failed marriage (lasted 3 years). The experience has taught me to be appreciate singlehood. I was raised by a single parent (my mom) with 2 other siblings. My dad walked out of the family when my mom only had my elder brother. I have never met my dad, only by pictures.
But I have never had any distrust towards women. In fact, being raised by my own mother has brought me much closer to my mother.
For a woman to have mistrust toward men because she was raised without a father is simply not justifiable. Why are women in the 50's era were different? Becausewe men had strong leadership traits. We were dominant. We were powerful. We were firm. Women respected us more because they know without men, their life would be in shambles.
Women were self-aware of their code of conduct. Duties were segregated accordingly without question. Many had written to you regarding the non-existence of a lady's code. I beg to differ. A lady's code does exist and it is clearly written in our respected religion / philosophical system.
Confucius says women must obey their father, husband and that society could only be supported by a patriarchal family system. Confucius also says women must be chaste and maintain a pleasant demeanor and be domestic.
The bible under Ephesians 522-24 clearly states the following:
Wives, obey your husbands as you obey the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church people. The church is his body and he saved it. Wives should obey their husbands in everything, just as the church people obey Christ.
For the Muslims, the holy Quran stipulates the following about women:
She is the one who is of good character and has good manners. She is not known for foul speech, meanness or bad manners; rather she is good-natured, pure of soul and clean of heart, speaks in a gentle manner and treats people kindly.
The ladies code of conduct does exist but it is blatantly ignored by majority of the modern women for some odd reason, which to me should be taken seriously because it comes from our own religion / beliefs and not from a typical book of conduct.
Your reader raising a concern on "mama's boy" is also what I had experienced in one of my 5 failed relationships. There was a lot of foul speech and meanness from her when it involved me and my closeness to my mother. Her failure to understand the pain my mother had gone through to raise me as a single parent had caused me to end the relationship. It sickens and also disgusts me that a girl can be jealous of her bf's own mother.
Women today have ego. Their ego is inflated ego and it gets bursts with time. I had a hard time trying to understand my ex-wife as she was constantly attacking me when she thinks I am looking down on her. We had a big fight over a car where she wanted to find a car for her own but she did not have the budget. She couldn't afford a Honda; she couldn't afford a Toyota or even a Proton. I suggested to her a Perodua which was within her budget and she went on an all-attack mode on me for looking down on her at the lowest level. I told her I was not looking down but merely scouting a car that was within her budget. She completely lashed out of me (by telling me to go fuck myself) thinking I had stooped her so low. I don't think my actions would warrant a "fuck you" from her as my intensions were pure. She wanted a brand-new car. Her budget was RM 600-700 monthly for a 7-year loan. That was the only car she could afford. An issue that was trivial at first, escalated into something huge which was a blessing to me because I never knew she was capable of insulting me in such a manner.
The "fuck you" was just describing the tip of the iceberg. She had insulted me, swore at me with so much profanity like I had committed a grave mistake.
Then she demanded me to apologize after lashing out at me for 30 minutes non-stop. I did not apologize because I did nothing wrong. She threatened me more and more until I just yelled at her that I want a divorce. She pushed me over the limit over something so small but she took it like it was a great insult.
I cannot live with someone like this. There was no physical abuse but I find psychological abuse of standing for 30 minutes listening to insults and profanity more torturing.
This was not the first time it had happened. It had happened a few times but this was the longest.
What she did was against the teaching of what was written by Confucius, the bible and even the Quran. She had committed many sins by not just insulting her own husband but daring him to apologize when she should be apologizing. If you sir, were in this situation, would apologizing to her mean an act of a gentleman after being insulted dishonorably? How low can we stoop to a woman?
My view is, a lady's code is clearly available in the religious books but it is clearly being ignored by the modern women in general. The rise of gender equality and feminism has also elevated the level of ignorance so high that what is mentioned in the religious books is seen as obsolete. What is troubling is that they are willing to commit a sin by going against the religious teachings. It is not just a code anymore. It is not adhering to the values of their religion!
Men are partly responsible for this because we give too much leniency toward woman in fear that we could forgo our gentleman values (e.g. chivalry) when clearly, women are leveraging on that value to their own advantage.
Goh
Answer by The Gentleman:
Hi Mr. Goh,
Thank you for taking the time to write such a heartfelt and candid letter. Your reflections on masculinity, leadership, and the shifting dynamics between men and women over the decades are deeply thought-provoking. We appreciate the sincerity with which you shared your personal experiences, as they offer an important perspective on modern relationships and the challenges that come with them.
We fully agree that the 1950s represented an era where men embodied strong leadership traits—firm, decisive, and responsible. Our fathers and forefathers set an example of what it meant to be men of principle, and in doing so, they naturally commanded respect. However, as you’ve pointed out, something changed along the way. Post-1970s, the conversation around masculinity seemed to fade, and in many cases, it became distorted or dismissed altogether. While some men's magazines/platforms still celebrate the essence of manhood, many have shifted toward a purely aesthetic representation of masculinity, reducing it to a fashion statement rather than a way of life.
That being said, we do not see this as a failure of women. As we have aptly observed, women have proven themselves highly capable in education, the workplace, and beyond. The challenge, as we see it, is not about whether women have risen—it is about whether men have upheld their own values and roles with the same steadfastness that our predecessors once did. Strength, responsibility, and leadership are not rights—they are earned through action, discipline, and character.
The real concern arises when the balance is lost. The existence of a “lady’s code” is not in question—it has always been there, just as the gentleman’s code has. But what happens when men, unsure of their role, retreat into passivity or confusion? What happens when the values of leadership, integrity, and duty that once defined masculinity become diluted? When that balance is lost, society feels the absence—not just in relationships but in communities, families, and even in the way younger generations perceive manhood.
Your personal experiences highlight the complex emotional struggles that many modern men face—how do we navigate relationships in a time when traditional structures have evolved? How do we remain strong without being overbearing? How do we uphold values in a world that often dismisses them? These are very difficult questions, and we don’t claim to have all the answers. But we do know this: a gentleman is not measured by how much he can control others but by how well he can control himself. His dignity is not in demanding obedience but in inspiring respect.
We respect your experiences, Goh. We hear your frustrations, and we acknowledge the pain that comes with difficult relationships. But if there is one thing we would leave you with, it is this—being a man is not about seeking perfection. We are human. We make mistakes. It is important to lead with quiet confidence, knowing when to stand firm, and knowing when to walk away with grace. The world may shift, and expectations may evolve, but honor, discipline, and respect are eternal.
Thank you again for writing. Your thoughts contribute to an important dialogue, and we hope this conversation continues.
Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.
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