28.06.2025

Still waiting for chivalry - Why modern Malaysian women are giving up on dating

A candid letter from a 29-year-old professional woman in Kuala Lumpur reveals why many Malaysian women are losing hope in local men - calling out the lack of effort, elegance, and chivalry in modern dating culture.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

 

Dear GC,

My name is Diana. I am 29 years old, a professional woman in Kuala Lumpur, and I represent a frustrated majority of modern Malaysian women who are slowly giving up on the idea of dating.

Why we gived-up?

Not because we’ve given up on love, but because we’ve grown tired of the lack of chivalry among our men, especially our fellow Malay men.

Let me be brutally honest.

We spend hours getting ready.

We invest in our appearance.

We learn the etiquette of conversation, table manners, dress codes.

We read, we evolve, we make effort.

And yet, what do we get in return?

A man who arrives late.

Who picks a mediocre spot without thought.

Who stares at his phone more than into our eyes.

Who doesn't open the door, doesn't ask how we got home.

Worse still, he splits the bill after choosing the restaurant himself.

Is this the modern Malay gentleman?

We are not asking for extravagance. We are asking for effort.

We are not demanding submission. We’re asking for consideration.

Have you ever asked yourself why so many women secretly admire how other nation men behave? I'm talking about Japan, Europe, and the US. It’s not because they are a developed nation. It’s because they show up with efforts. They walk beside you with pride. They dress well, they speak thoughtfully, and they respect your time. They understand that elegance is not about money. It’s about manners.

Where are our Malay men like this?

I can’t count how many times my friends and I have returned home, beautifully dressed, hearts hopeful, only to feel like we went on a date with a boy still trapped in his teenage ego. Not a man who leads with confidence and care. Not a gentleman.

There are women in this country who still believe in gentlemen. But we are tired of carrying the emotional and aesthetic weight of modern dating alone.

So, dear GC, let me leave your readers, especially the men, with this:

Its not that nice guy finish last. Being "cincai" is.

 

With hope,

Diana A.

Answer by The Gent:

Dear Diana,

Thank you for your letter.

Your words are necessary and they deserve to be heard in every corner of this nation.

At GC, we have always believed that chivalry is not extinct but it is most certainly endangered. And your voice, on behalf of countless women who still dress beautifully and speak with grace, reminds us why our pursuit matters.

You ask, Where are the Malay gentlemen?

Let us be honest. Many of our Malaysian men were never taught how to be gentlemen.
Not in school.
Not in university.
Not even at home.

We raise men to pass exams, chase titles, and work in a reputable company — but rarely to notice the grace of dressing well, opening a door, paying attention at dinner, or simply making a woman feel safe and seen.

We teach boys how to win, but not how to wait.
We praise them for dominance, but never for dignity.
And when they finally come of age, they confuse being "nice guy" with being "cincai man".

But here is the truth: being a gentleman is not a talent. It is a mindset.
A decision.
A deliberate choice to be better.
To be extra, when everyone else is being average.
To step up, not just show up.

We think of a friend of us - the son of a diplomat. Every date with his girlfriend was intentional. He would call ahead to reserve the right table, he would bring her to a classy restaurant, never once glanced at his phone during dinner, always ensured she got home safely. He dressed well, spoke with calm confidence, and listened more than he spoke. He never bragged about these things. They were simply part of his rhythm. He believed that excellence should be quiet, and that elegance is a form of respect.

Today, he is part of the GC Community, and part of the editorial team. Men like him remind us that gentlemanliness is a noble pursuit. It is a discipline. A mindset. A mirror of one's inner order.

And that is the challenge before us now: to raise the bar.

We do not need more boys pretending to be a millionaire. We need more men rising to be gentlemen.

So thank you, Diana. Your letter is not a complaint. It is a contribution. A mirror. A message.

At GC, we will continue to champion this mindset. Through stories and tragedies. Because one day, when a man holds the door, orders with care, listens without ego, and pays with pride - it should not feel like a miracle. It should feel like Malaysia finally maturing.

You were right: nice guys don’t finish last.
But being cincai is the fastest way to get left behind.

 

With respect,
The Gent

 

RELATED: Reader ask GC to elevate the prestige of Malay man as "Wanita Melayu lebih suka lelaki Mat Salleh, Lelaki Melayu suka bawa kedai Mamak"


 

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Please note:

1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence, race and religion topics, or hate speech.

3. If you are writing on behalf of an institution, organisation, or formal body and wish to submit a letter to GC, we kindly request that you provide reasonable proof of your affiliation or existence. This helps us maintain the integrity of all correspondence.

Thank you for your understanding.

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