18.01.2025

Should a man ever hit a lady? A reader’s perspective

A reader challenges the gentleman’s code by sharing his personal experience of a tumultuous marriage, questioning whether a man should ever resort to physical action.

Prince William handling Princess of Wales’s cancer diagnosis in a dignified manner.

Photo credit: Chris Jackson (Getty Images)

Letter from Mr. A.

Dear GC,

I wish to give my views regarding your recent feedback on "can a gentleman hit a woman" of which you have advocated as "No, a gentleman should never hit a woman".

I tend to agree with Sean Connery's view that a physical hit is necessary depending on the circumstances.

Allow me to elaborate why I am saying this.

I am an introvert person who prefers alone time and would spend most of time reading manga at home or watching anime on Netflix. I follow a lot of Japanese actors and actresses because I love their movies and culture so it is naturally normal for me to like their photos which did not sit well with my former wife which was the root cause to our divorcement.

It may sound trivial at first but that was her trigger point.

After 6 months into our marriage, one unfortunate day, she discovered that I had liked many Japanese actresses and had commented on their Instagram / facebook page which for her is a sign of cheating. At this stage, I felt funny that she felt jealous so I explained to her that she should know of my admiration toward Japanese culture so liking a few Japanese celebrities (including actresses) is very normal.

She started to question why can't I only like Japanese actors only? I told her the same thing that it is just nothing more than a "like". At this stage I thought her asking as such was still fine albeit insecure.

Then she started her accusation that I could be PM-ing Japanese girls because I graduated from Osaka University so I have many Japanese friends. Of course, I denied that accusation. She refused to believe me and demanded me to hand over my handphone for her to check. That was when I began to feel the heat inside of me. I told her no she can't check my phone. That aggravated her and she started her high pitch voice with a lot of foul language. She started yelling and cursing with foul words and continue to ask me for my phone which I told her I won't give it to her.

I didn't want to show her not because there was anything going on but she could have asked nicely.

Then she started cursing me more and more with a lot of "fuck you" and I kept telling her, I have not done anything wrong. It's just a freaking like. She didn't want to budge from that accusation. She continued with her demands and then pointed me toward door and told me to get out the house if I don't give her my phone.

Gents, imagine that a wife accuses her husband and is now asking her husband to get out from his own house. Look at the level of disrespect they have to a man. Her foul language of "fuck you" could be constantly heard as she went on with her endless rant.

Where is the ladies' code? Do you guys think the older generation ladies would even say this to their own husband? A "fuck you" to your own husband? What is this?

This is why sometimes I tend to agree with how women are being treated in Arab countries. Take example Saudi Arabia, the women are not allowed to talk to their man in this manner ever because it is against our religion. It's not just ladies code but our own religion.

When she told me to get out of his house, this had already triggered me.

Then she attempted to snatch the phone from me but due to my height, she couldn't. This was where I had enough of this nonsense and I pushed her down but she retaliated by pushing me back and stomping my feet, still trying hard to grab my phone. It was a terrible physical altercation. She kept shouting to me to get out from the house non-stop. I just had enough of this and gave her one big slap across the jawline and just stormed out of the house and slept in the car.

Next day, she went into more extreme where she bolted the main door shut with a lock which I do not have the key. I had no clothes; I had no shoes but just my stupid slippers. I had no toothbrush. Did she care? No, she did not.

Not only she chased me out of my own house, she also locked the door shut with a new lock!

That was the end game for me, I immediately went to Jabatan in my slippers without showering, to end the marriage right there.

Thinking of this again makes me shudder. It was a nightmare. Something I will always remember and this incident has made me never ever to remarry. I can understand if someone no longer wants to remarry, it is because of trauma. I am so happy with my life now being single. I feel light. I feel happy. I do not need the pressure anymore. I can go out with anyone without no concerns.

In this situation, do you still think about being a gentleman? I was accused for something I did not do, I was yelled with "fuck you" multiple times, I was stomped, I was pushed, I was chased out from the house and I was locked out from the house with no proper clothes and shower. All this over a stupid "like" over Japanese female celebrity photos.

So I ask you gents again, do we really want to think of being a gentleman at this stage?

Should I have given her my handphone to check?

I think it would be mental if one still tries to be a gentleman when the woman is clearly being disrespectful. And it is my right to give or not to give my phone. She thinks I got something to hide, I don't. I just refuse to give my hp because she could have asked me as her husband in a respectful manner not accuse me of so many things and pushing and cursing me.

I am giving you what has happened in detail so you can understand the situation and re-assess whether one needs to apply the gentleman code in a situation such as this.

I await your reply.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. A,

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal experience with us at GC. Your letter touches on complex matters of relationships, respect, and responses to conflict. While we empathize with the pain and frustration you experienced, we maintain our unequivocal position: a gentleman never strikes a woman, regardless of circumstances.

Let us explain our rationale:

Physical violence escalates conflict rather than resolves it. In your situation, the slap didn't solve the underlying issues of trust, communication, and mutual respect. Instead, it marked a point of no return in your marriage. As men, we have a responsibility to manage our physical advantages with restraint, not leverage them in moments of anger.

Your letter describes a series of choices that both parties made. Your ex-wife's behavior was indeed disrespectful and aggressive. The verbal abuse, physical aggression, and property control you experienced were unacceptable. However, responding to toxicity with violence only validates the use of force to resolve disputes.

A gentleman's strength lies in his self-control, especially when provoked. When faced with an escalating situation, there are always alternatives:

- Maintaining physical distance

- Leaving the premises temporarily

- Contacting a mediator or counselor

- Seeking legal counsel if necessary

- Documenting abusive behavior for legal proceedings

Your marriage ultimately ended not because you weren't aggressive enough, but because of fundamental trust issues and poor conflict resolution on both sides. The phone incident was merely a catalyst for deeper problems.

You ask if one should think of being a gentleman in such situations. We would argue that these are precisely the moments when gentlemanly conduct matters most. True strength isn't shown by dominating others physically, but by maintaining our principles under pressure.

Moving forward, we hope you'll consider that while your ex-wife's behavior was inexcusable, physical retaliation didn't serve you or resolve the situation. A gentleman's code isn't about being weak – it's about being strong enough to choose better solutions.

We wish you healing from this experience and hope you'll find healthier ways to handle conflict in future relationships, should you choose to pursue them.

Warmest regards,

The Gentleman

READ: A reader's dilemma: Can a gentleman hit his wife?

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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Should a man ever hit a lady? A reader’s perspective

A reader challenges the gentleman’s code by sharing his personal experience of a tumultuous marriage, questioning whether a man should ever resort to physical action.

Prince William handling Princess of Wales’s cancer diagnosis in a dignified manner.

Photo credit: Chris Jackson (Getty Images)

Letter from Mr. A.

Dear GC,

I wish to give my views regarding your recent feedback on "can a gentleman hit a woman" of which you have advocated as "No, a gentleman should never hit a woman".

I tend to agree with Sean Connery's view that a physical hit is necessary depending on the circumstances.

Allow me to elaborate why I am saying this.

It may sound trivial at first but that was her trigger point.

She started to question why can't I only like Japanese actors only? I told her the same thing that it is just nothing more than a "like". At this stage I thought her asking as such was still fine albeit insecure.

I didn't want to show her not because there was anything going on but she could have asked nicely.

Gents, imagine that a wife accuses her husband and is now asking her husband to get out from his own house. Look at the level of disrespect they have to a man. Her foul language of "fuck you" could be constantly heard as she went on with her endless rant.

Where is the ladies' code? Do you guys think the older generation ladies would even say this to their own husband? A "fuck you" to your own husband? What is this?

This is why sometimes I tend to agree with how women are being treated in Arab countries. Take example Saudi Arabia, the women are not allowed to talk to their man in this manner ever because it is against our religion. It's not just ladies code but our own religion.

When she told me to get out of his house, this had already triggered me.

Next day, she went into more extreme where she bolted the main door shut with a lock which I do not have the key. I had no clothes; I had no shoes but just my stupid slippers. I had no toothbrush. Did she care? No, she did not.

Not only she chased me out of my own house, she also locked the door shut with a new lock!

That was the end game for me, I immediately went to Jabatan in my slippers without showering, to end the marriage right there.

So I ask you gents again, do we really want to think of being a gentleman at this stage?

Should I have given her my handphone to check?

I am giving you what has happened in detail so you can understand the situation and re-assess whether one needs to apply the gentleman code in a situation such as this.

I await your reply.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. A,

Let us explain our rationale:

A gentleman's strength lies in his self-control, especially when provoked. When faced with an escalating situation, there are always alternatives:

- Maintaining physical distance

- Leaving the premises temporarily

- Contacting a mediator or counselor

- Seeking legal counsel if necessary

- Documenting abusive behavior for legal proceedings

Your marriage ultimately ended not because you weren't aggressive enough, but because of fundamental trust issues and poor conflict resolution on both sides. The phone incident was merely a catalyst for deeper problems.

You ask if one should think of being a gentleman in such situations. We would argue that these are precisely the moments when gentlemanly conduct matters most. True strength isn't shown by dominating others physically, but by maintaining our principles under pressure.

Moving forward, we hope you'll consider that while your ex-wife's behavior was inexcusable, physical retaliation didn't serve you or resolve the situation. A gentleman's code isn't about being weak – it's about being strong enough to choose better solutions.

We wish you healing from this experience and hope you'll find healthier ways to handle conflict in future relationships, should you choose to pursue them.

Warmest regards,

The Gentleman

READ: A reader's dilemma: Can a gentleman hit his wife?

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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