A reader's dilemma: Can a gentleman hit his wife?

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. U,

Thank you for reaching out to GC with such honesty about your marital challenges. Let us be absolutely clear: No, a gentleman should never hit a woman. Violence is never the solution and will only make your marriage institution becoming worse.

Let's engage in a scenario: Put yourself as a woman, imagine coming home after a long day, and upon some quarrels, suddenly receiving a slap across your face from someone who promised to love and protect you. Beyond the physical pain, think about the devastating emotional impact - the betrayal of trust, the fear, the humiliation. Would you ever feel safe in your own home again? Would you ever look at your partner the same way? One moment of hit or slap can permanently destroy the foundation of love and trust that a marriage is built upon.

We understand your frustration. From the context of your story, your wife's words are hurtful, disrespectful, and her gender-based remarks are indeed disturbing. However, responding with violence would not only be ungentlemanly, but could also have serious legal consequences and would likely end your marriage in an even more painful way.

Instead, consider these approaches:

1. Set clear boundaries around communication: "Honey, when you make sweeping negative statements about men, it hurts me and damages our relationship. I need you to address specific concerns without using that choice of words."

2. Use "I" statements: "Love, I feel disrespected when you tell me to 'man up' because it is insulting to my core identity."

3. Seek marriage counseling: Your communication patterns need professional intervention. A counselor can help both of you express your needs more constructively.

4. Address practical issues: For transportation, perhaps you could agree on specific days when you'll drive her, and days when she'll use Grab. This creates clear expectations for both of you.

Regarding Sean Connery's dated video - views from the past don't justify violence today, no matter whether that man voted as the greatest James Bond. We have evolved as a society to understand that domestic violence is both morally wrong and ungentlemanly.

If these issues persist despite attempting counseling and honest communication, divorce might be preferable to a marriage where you're contemplating violence. However, before taking that step, we strongly urge you to seek professional help - both individually and as a couple.

Remember: true strength lies not in raising your voice or physical dominance, but in maintaining composure and finding constructive solutions even when provoked. We urge you to watch how President Kennedy handled the Cuban Missile crisis in such a cool and swag manner (One of the most complex problems in the history of the U.S.). That guy got class.

Would you be open to sharing how you've tried to communicate your feelings to your wife so far?

Understanding your current approach might help us suggest more specific strategies for your situation.

Stay strong,

The Gentleman

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