17.06.2025

A mother’s heartfelt plea for the return of grace in modern woman

A 65-year-old retired schoolteacher from Damansara shares her heartfelt concerns about the shifting roles of women in modern society. In a deeply personal letter, she reflects on her daughters' generation and the fading values of gentleness, respect, and traditional femininity.

Malaysian award-winning Malaysian actor Datin Sofia Jane (photo for illustration only)

Photo credit: Sofia Jane twitter

 

Dear GC,

My name is Dayang Sabrina. I am a mother of 3 kids. my 27 year old boy and 30 year old girl twins. Your feedback on feminism struck a chord with me and I wish to share some of my insights on this delicate topic.

I am 65 year old school teacher retiree who has nothing better to do so bear with me if my email gets too long. I got married at 28 years old, and had my twin girls at 31. As an elderly woman and having observed my twin daughters growing up until today, I can say things have unfortunately changed for women. I do not have much concern with my son but I have a lot of concern with my twin daughters and how the gap has changed from 2 different generations of women.

My twin daughters were from SMK (P) Sri Aman PJ and one went to RMIT in Australia and the other went to Nottingham University in the UK. Alhamdulilah that both my son and daughter graduated with honors in both of their universities. My son is currently doing a masters degree in Taylors. I have no worry in terms of my daughter's education but I am worried about how society has evolved and is slowly changing our children.

At 65 years old, I would never speak louder than my own husband. I would never question where we would live or stay. I am a retired school teacher and have been a school teacher ever since my younger days. I have worked until the age of 55. I have moved schools because I had to follow my husband. When we got married, I never questioned where we would stay or the type of house I wanted to stay in. We stayed in an apartment in southern Klang Valley back then and I was fine with it because we were educated to respect men. I would never talk back to my husband or question his doings. I would advise but if he thinks what he is doing is right, I would not condemn or insult. If things go wrong, I will console him and say it's okay, we will go through this together. That is what my parents did too, and I followed.

But my daughters are the opposite.

One of my twins got married last year. Her husband who is now my son in law had an engagement to go to Sarawak for a year. She refuses to follow because she doesn't want to be away from her friends in KL. She came to me to complain about it and ask my opinion if she should leave him. I was shocked because I would never say no to my husband. A wife must follow where her husband goes but she wouldn't listen to me. Even her father told her the same but she seems adamant not to budget from her decision. Since it was her marriage, myself and my husband didn't want to interfere and in the end he went to Sarawak. They agreed that he would come back every week via flight to KL to see her which I think is unfair because he would need to cover the weekly flights but it is her life.

I also notice that she talks to her husband like he was her own peer. She calls him bro, at times she calls him and say "apa hal", sometimes she would use the word "doh" at the end of a sentence. If I remember, she said something like she had a bad day and she said pening kepala doh. or jom keluar, lapar doh. I am old so I am assuming it's a short word for Bodoh. But this is you talking to your husband. I always tell her to speak softly to her husband. He is older than you. You are a female and females are supposed to be gentle and kind. I sometimes would remind her of the Quran because the Quran says a woman must be soft, gentle and kind. I was brought up in that environment where women are soft because we are women. That's who we are. But unfortunately she doesn't share that sentiment. She would say "Mummy, it's a different world now. We are just the same. We are not dinosaurs like you Mummy. This is how my friends talk to their husbands"

Instead of telling her to change, she calls her own mother a dinosaur.

My other twin daughter is not married but she has a bf and she would share her experience with her bf to her sister. Sometimes their friends would come to the house and they talk about guys with so much criticism. They talk about men being completely lousy, they talk about needing men for money.

These are very provocative and stereotypical statements that can trigger a gender war. I try to shake my head thinking this is what the world is turning into.

When I was their age, we wouldn't dare speak about men in such a manner because:

(a) We are women and we have manners. If a woman talks in bad language, it paints a bad picture of their upbringing especially the parents

(b) We respect men because they do all the hard work to protect women.

(c) The holy Quran clearly says it is mandatory for a wife to obey her husband and never talk back. It is forbidden to talk back to your husband. Isteri yg menghina suami takkan bau syurga. That is what is written.

 

I am in disbelief at our generation today. I never teach my daughters to talk in such a manner but how much can we monitor as a parent. They are grown ups, they have their own circle of friends. Their circle of friends think alike. We can no longer monitor them to be who we want them to be. It is no surprise to me why many marriages collapse because society isn't like it was before. It is a fair statement to make when a man says he wants a wife who can cook and clean. That is what women should learn to do but unfortunately there is a lot of pushback against such expectations. They even question the need for a woman to cook. They think cooking is a maid's job. During my time, if a woman doesn't know how to cook, she is seen as a disgrace and unworthy. But today, the women are questioning why they should cook for their husband. My 23 year old neighbor came to the house for Raya. She just got married 2 years ago at age 21. She says she doesn't need to cook anymore because there is Grab. I then ask her what if your husband wants you to cook, she would say she would insist him to grab or get out and find food and the husband would just oblige.

Oh dear...I am truly lost.

I feel like I am a lost relic because if my husband wants me to cook, I would immediately cook and wouldn't have the heart to tell him to grab or get out to find dinner. I would feel sorry for him. I guess a woman's feelings have changed.

As a parent, I am sad that things have changed a lot and I fear that things will continue to change for the worst and we as parents are forced to adapt to this alternate reality that our daughters are becoming too modernized that their traditional roots would be long forgotten.

If you ask my opinion, I still wish the ladies of today were still like the ladies of yesterday because they had some level of expectation. Before we do or say anything, we would think of our reputation, our upbringing and our role as a woman in society. In short, we had grace and kindness.

Sorry for my ramblings and pardon me for my lengthy message which is typical for a retiree but nothing harmful like an input from a mother's perspective.

Assalam,

Dayang Sabrina

Answer by The Gentleman:

Dear Puan Dayang Sabrina,

We are truly humbled and grateful that you took the time to write to us. Your letter is a beautiful and heartfelt expression. It speaks not only of a mother’s love, but also of a woman’s devotion to her values and upbringing.

Reading your words felt like being seated across from our own mothers. The gentleness in your tone, the sincerity behind every concern, and the tenderness with which you reflect on your daughters’ generation reminded us of the kind of grace that shaped many of us in our youth, but which we now rarely see or hear in public discourse.

You did not raise your voice, and yet your message was deeply heard.

We know the world is changing. Sometimes, it changes faster than we can think, and certainly faster than we can understand. And like you, we wonder what will be lost along the way—especially if we forget the quiet strength of mothers who followed their husbands in patience, who raised their children with duty, and who bore the burdens of family without complaint.

You have given us much to reflect on, Puan. And if you will allow us, we would be honoured to share parts of your letter with our wider readership. It is time, we believe, for more distinguished voices like yours to be heard.

If we may also share an observation from this side of the editorial desk: One of the recurring themes we’ve noticed in recent times is how digital letters — especially those penned by women — have taken on a new form. They are often firm, direct, and assertive. There is a certain conviction in their tone, occasionally even an assertiveness that borders on confrontation. And while we understand that this may stem from decades of societal evolution — from silenced roles to leadership aspirations — something graceful is indeed lost in the transition.

In the pursuit of gender equality, femininity’s original luster — the softness, the gracefulness that once defined a woman’s presence — is sometimes lost by a need to compete rather than to complement. We’ve read letters where the desire to lead eclipses the instinct to nurture. And in that moment, what could have been a beautiful balance between man and woman becomes an unintended duel for dominance.

We, too, are learning. We do not claim to be gentlemen. That title is not worn, it is earned, and sometimes only recognised by others. But we do know when a letter is written in the spirit of building bridges — elevating both the masculine and the feminine — and when it is written as a challenge to overthrow one side in favour of the other.

Your letter, Puan, did not attack. It mourned. And that difference is what makes it worth publishing. You wrote not to be right, but to be heard — and that is something deeply gentlemanly in spirit, even when spoken by a lady.

Thank you, once again, for reminding us all that elegance is not found in volume, but in intention.

May God bless you with continued health, love, and the reward of generations shaped by your hands.

 

With admiration,

The Gent

RELATED READING: The decline of ladylike grace in modern women

RELATED READING: The decline of ladylike grace: A modern man’s perspective


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