A man’s plea from a controlling relationship

Answer by The Gent:

Dear Faiz,

Thank you for writing in with such remarkable honesty. It takes uncommon courage to speak so openly about something deeply personal, especially in a world where men are too often expected to internalize their struggles in silence, while outwardly maintaining machoism.

At GC, we believe in restoring dignity where it has been eroded. You wrote: “If this is what honoring women is, I’d rather let go of this gentleman trait.”

Let us begin there.

Because what you have been subjected to is not what it means to honor a woman.

To honor a woman does not require a man to dishonor himself.

The concept of chivalry is often misunderstood in today’s discourse. Historically, chivalry demanded that a man be noble in action, and generous in spirit. But such conduct was never meant to be extended to every woman he met. It was specifically designed for his interactions with ladies. And ladies, too, had a code.

Chivalry has always traveled on a two-way street. A gentleman could only offer chivalry when he was met with grace, modesty, and softness. Just as the gentleman was bound by his own code, the lady was bound by hers. Only when both codes are upheld does the dynamic of respect, elegance, and dignity flourish.

What you are experiencing, Faiz, is not love. It is control masquerading as concern. It is distrust and domination camouflaged as commitment. A request for your phone twice a month, surveillance through location-sharing, video checks while at work, and persistent suspicion over a single public gesture - a simple thumbs-up to a celebrity - this is not a relationship built on mutual respect. It is a regime built on insecurity.

Some might argue that a truly chivalrous gentleman should be more measured in his online interactions, especially toward women he is not acquainted with. And perhaps they are right, in principle. But such restraint presumes that the woman in question is herself modest in her conduct, in her dress, in her public presence, whether on Instagram or in public life. That was the original balance. A gentleman is polite and dignified, and a lady is graceful and measured.

Based on letters that we received over the years, we have detected a pattern: modern relationships have collapsed this delicate structure. Today, modern women often reject the code of the lady while still demanding the full measure of gentlemanly conduct. They may dress provocatively, communicate assertively, and carry themselves in ways that eschew modesty - yet expect their partners to display restraint, devotion, and deference without reciprocity. This imbalance breaks the chivalric pact.

And make no mistake, Faiz. You have upheld your end. You have been loyal, accountable, and compliant, even when it came at the cost of your self-worth. But a man cannot thrive when his days are dictated by suspicion and when his autonomy is stripped.

No man should be reduced to a version of himself that he no longer respects.

You are right to feel that your honor is being compromised. You are right to question whether this situation reflects the gentleman’s way. Because it does not.

We will not tell you to walk away. That is a decision only you can make. But we will tell you this:

A gentleman is not defined by how much he can endure, but by what he refuses to accept when it strips him of dignity.

If she continues to act not from love, but from fear and suspicion, then she is not upholding her side of the code. A lady does not humiliate, harass, or emotionally punish a man she loved for imagined sins. She inspires his nobility by her own.

You are not alone in this silent suffering. Many men, particularly those who still hold fast to values like loyalty, chivalry find themselves manipulated by partners who do not reciprocate those values. But suffering in silence is not noble when it becomes self-betrayal.

Let it be known:
Chivalry without reciprocity is not love. It is servitude.

Hold your head high, Faiz. Protect your peace. Guard your mind. The world needs more men who know how to love without losing themselves. And perhaps, in choosing yourself, you will inspire others to remember that a gentleman’s honor is never negotiable.

With respect,
The Gent

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