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    10.02.2025

    A gentleman’s dilemma: Navigating sexism and self-respect

    A reader shares his experience of feeling disrespected in a conversation about men and questions shifting gender dynamics, divorce rights, and self-respect. How should a gentleman respond?

    Photo: Daniel Smith, Warner Bros./Everett Collection

     

     

    Hi GC,

    Big critic here on gender inequality and whatever that is happening in the world now is unfathomable. I have also encountered parcels of feminism here in KL that I want to share with you for your honest opinion.

    My wife has a group of best friends whom she would gather frequently with them. I know her best friend because she would sometime come to the house. Then one fine day, we went to hang out at the cafe. Both of her best friends were supposed to bring their husbands but unfortunately both of them could not make it due to work and also one was unwell so I was the only guy there with 3 ladies listening to their discussion about life, work, histories etc. I did not participate in their discussion and I was busy reading on my phone.

    One of their discussions made me feel uncomfortable as they begin talking dishonorably about men. One of my wife's best friends had raised a parking issue she had encountered earlier before arriving to the gathering where a man had tried to take away her parking spot so she was fighting with the man. She had waited by the side but forgot to turn on her signal. The man blamed her for not turning on her signal so he wanted to take the parking spot which led to an argument. The other best friend when heard this conversation immediately gave a sexist remark by saying that it was great she fought back because we should not lose to men. Never give face to men. Men today are hopeless creature. Biggest upset is, they nodded in agreement when she said that.

    I was the only guy at the table and I felt embarrassed and I felt dishonored to be hearing such a discussion. Where is your respect? Women are so emotionally attached that they can just lash out and make statements like this without thinking who their audience is. If I was not at the table, by all means, you can say whatever you want to say but when there is a man at the table and you make a sexist statement like that, it shows how disrespectful you are toward men. Was she trying to show she had the guts to say that? Where is her sensitivity?

    Sometimes I get super stress with my wife but I don't go out and give an anti-woman statement especially when there is a woman at the table. But it seems like her best friends including herself are collectively agreeing with this sexist statement.

    I use to have a big fight with my wife that she told me that if a divorce is going to happen, it needs to come from her. She said I do not have the right to tell her to divorce. Only her. Who gave her that idea? That moment was an eye opener for me. Aren't men given the rights to that and not woman? By right we have first dibs to that option because we are the holding the fort. And who gave her the right to talk about divorce when what we quarrel was merely about me asking her to tone down our spending because I am broke, then we got into a heated argument about money then she started that divorce ultimatum in the argument.

    Seems that we are losing more of our rights more than we realize. Not just they can talk freely about men in a disrespectful way, they can demand on who can decide to divorce and who can't.

    C. Chong

    Answer by The Gentleman:

    Hi C. Chong,

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us at Gentleman’s Code Magazine. Your letter has sparked a necessary conversation about self-respect and the art of maintaining one’s dignity—qualities that are the very hallmarks of a true gentleman.

    First and foremost, let us address the discomfort you felt during that café conversation. When you find yourself in an environment where sexist commentary is being freely discussed about, remember that a gentleman never compromises his self-respect. In such situations, it is entirely acceptable—even advisable—to excuse yourself gracefully. There is no shame in removing yourself from a conversation that undermines your dignity; in fact, doing so is an act of self-care and honor.

    Regarding your concerns about the divorce discussion with your wife, we must acknowledge a simple truth: if your wife asserts that the right to initiate a divorce rests solely with her, then as a gentleman, you might do well to nonchalantly affirm her stance with an “Absolutely, I agree 100%, dear.” This isn’t an admission of defeat but a recognition of mutual respect within your relationship. Marriage is a partnership built on equality and understanding, where both voices are important—even if the burden of initiating a divorce carries its own weight.

    It’s important to understand that mentioning divorce is not a casual remark thrown into a heated argument; it is a significant statement loaded with consequence. When one brings up divorce, they are shouldering the responsibility for potentially unraveling the fabric of a shared life. That burden—both emotional and practical—cannot be taken lightly by either party. The decision to end a marriage should come after careful reflection, not as a weapon in a moment of stress.

    While your frustration is clear, remember that true gentlemanly conduct isn’t about asserting one’s rights over another but about understanding and accepting the dynamics of mutual autonomy. In moments when conversation turns divisive or disrespectful, withdrawing with dignity is far more elegant than engaging in further conflict. And if a partner, such as your wife, declares her prerogative in matters as weighty as divorce, sometimes the respectful—and wise—course is simply to acknowledge her right to decide.

    We hope that these reflections help guide you in future encounters. A gentleman’s strength lies not in dominating every conversation, but in knowing when to stand firm in his values and when to step aside in favor of preserving mutual respect.

    Thank you once again for writing in. May your future interactions be filled with the dignity and respect that define the true gentleman.

     

    With sincere appreciation and respect,

    The Gentleman

    READ: The decline of ladylike grace: A modern man’s perspective

    READ: The decline of ladylike grace in modern women


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