Why savers shouldn’t marry spenders: The untold truth about money and marriage

Photo credit: The Chateau

Surprisingly, we all felt that this was an absolute. Not in the sense of marrying because they had money or the potential to earn money (which is not very Old Money), but in the sense of both people in a marriage having the same ideas about how money is spent and saved, and what it is used for.

In the most basic terms, our considered, experienced opinion was that a Saver can only be happily married for an extended period to another Saver, and a Spender can only be happily married to another Spender.

If one partner in a marriage wants to save and invest money, increase the couple’s net worth, and secure their financial future, and the other partner wants to spend money on consumer items and enjoy luxuries in the present, the odds for a happy marriage–or even one that will exist in 5 years–are slim.

Bernard Arnault, Elon Musk And Bezos.

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Of course, exceptions can be found: the hardworking billionaire who marries the extravagant social climber comes to mind. I’ve witnessed these relationships. They require an enormous amount of patience (somebody works a lot, and somebody spends a lot, and those two things can wear on both somebody’s). They also require an enormous amount of resources: the spending can’t have any effect on the financial condition of the couple. If it does, stress and resentment build, and cracks in the marriage appear.

This mismatch also pushes definitive roles on each partner: breadwinner and homebody, most often, and it takes a very aware and highly evolved couple to manage the power dynamic that creeps in when one partner is making most or all of the money. They must both be involved with how the money is spent, saved, invested, and used, and how much debt or non-essential consumption is acceptable.  And even the non-earning spouse must have a voice. Many times it’s that partner who manages the money, invests it, and grows it.

I don’t know many married couples who keep their finances separate and do a monthly split of expenses, like roommates. If a Saver and a Spender opt for this arrangement, inevitably there will come a moment in time in which the Spender has an emergency…and no cash. The Awkward Conversation soon follows: Can you loan me or give me the money? Why should I? You’ve spent everything you’ve earned. I thought you loved me. I do, but you should have thought about this possibility before you bought all that stuff that you don’t need and can’t afford. 

Here again, resentment and stress rear their ugly heads.

Photo credit: Old Money Luxury

All of these scenarios are more complicated when children enter the mix. A new car? Or tuition for a private school? A fur coat? Or an educational, eye-opening trip to Europe for the kids?

A marriage between a Saver and a Spender just doesn’t work, in my opinion. You must be on the same page with your attitudes toward money if you’re going to enjoy a happy, productive relationship. You’ll have enough challenges as it is deciding on the amount you’re going to save each week, what you’re going to invest in, how much you’re going to put down on a house, and how you’re going to handle the relatives who come asking for a loan or a handout.

If you’re young and dating, my advice is to have this conversation early in the courtship. It make shock your love interest. Or it may make you appear to be a serious, thoughtful person.

Either way, there is no future in developing feelings for someone who does not share your financial philosophy or your financial habits. It is a road that ends in heartache, sooner or later.

That sounds harsh, but I’d rather you think me cold now than wonder later why I didn’t say anything about this tremendously important part of relationships and marriage.

For more details and insights, you can always read The Old Money Guide To Marriage.

Good luck, young lovers, and married couples, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Contributor

Byron Tully (right)

Grandson of a newspaper publisher and son of an oil industry executive, Byron Tully is an author who also writes for the entertainment industry. His nonfiction debut, "The Old Money Book," was published in April of 2013 to excellent reviews and enjoys consistently strong sales worldwide. His other works include "The Old Money Guide To Marriage", "Old Money, New Woman: How To Manage Your Money and Your Life", and "Old Money Style - The Gentleman's Edition".

Byron regularly contributes to its blog, www.theoldmoneybook.com, which has been visited by over 1 million readers since 2014.

In February of 2020, "Old Money Style - The Gentleman's Edition" was published by Acorn Street Press. This fourth book in the Old Money series reveals the fundamentals of dressing well in a classic and timeless style. In November of 2020, Byron published a 2nd Edition of "The Old Money Book", which expands on his original classic. This 2nd Edition includes vital information and insights for readers as they navigate a very different, post-pandemic world.

Byron speaks frequently about the culture and values of Old Money. He has been interviewed by KABC New York's Financial Quarterback Show, The Huffington Post, and The Simple Dollar, among others.

He lives in Paris and is happily married to an Old Money Gal from Boston.