14.08.2024

Unpopular opinion: Why being a gentleman can never be attained

In today’s society, the "gentleman" is often held up as the pinnacle of male achievement. However, there’s an uncomfortable truth that often goes unspoken: being a true gentleman is an ideal that can never be fully attained.

By Raja Izz

In today’s society, the image of the "gentleman" is often held up as the pinnacle of male achievement. Credit: Prince Abdul Mateen/GQ

Gentlemen's Code. The very phrase evokes images of elegance, chivalry, cultured, and well-mannered. Yet, in today's ever-evolving world, a whisper of doubt creeps in: can one truly "be" a gentleman? Is it not an ideal, a constantly moving target, forever out of reach?

Let's be honest. There's no finish line in the quest for gentlemanly behavior. Life throws curveballs, situations arise where the "perfect" response eludes us. We might fall short, stumble, and utter the wrong thing. That awkward moment with a colleague, the error in judgement, the forgotten anniversary gift – these are the cracks in our gentlemanly facade.

So, here's the unpopular opinion: achieving the status of a true gentleman is likely unattainable. It's a lifelong journey, not a destination. But here's the beauty – the pursuit itself is what truly defines a gentleman.

Now, hold on before you throw out your pocket squares and cancel your etiquette lessons. This isn't a call to abandon the pursuit altogether. Here's why:

Why Attainment is Elusive

Firstly, the definition of a gentleman itself is fluid. Social norms and expectations evolve. The gentleman who flawlessly duels with swords is a relic of the past. Today's gentleman might champion gender equality or advocate for mental health awareness. In the future, gentleman might champion humankind in battling against the dominant Artificial Intelligence.

Secondly, life is messy and uncertain. Unexpected circumstances test our best intentions. The calm and collected demeanor can crack under pressure, the well-chosen words dissolve in a moment of frustration. It's these challenges that reveal the true character of a gentleman – not the absence of flaws, but the willingness to learn and grow from them.

Getty; The Atlantic

Thirdly, the contemporary landscape, characterized by a relentless pursuit of material wealth, status, popularity and power, presents a formidable challenge to the cultivation of gentlemanly qualities. In a culture where success is often equated with financial accumulation and social dominance, the virtues of inner quality can appear counterproductive. Moreover, the pervasive influence of instant gratification and short-term thinking undermines the patient cultivation of character and the development of long-term relationships, both essential components of a gentleman's life. Consequently, while the ideal of the gentleman remains aspirational, its realization is increasingly difficult in a society preoccupied with immediate rewards and external validation.

The Noble Pursuit

Despite its unattainability, the pursuit of being a gentleman is profoundly honorable. It requires a commitment to values that transcend personal gain or societal recognition. The pursuit itself is what molds character, sharpens virtues, and fosters a deep sense of responsibility toward others.

This journey demands resilience, as it involves confronting one's flaws and striving to overcome them. It requires courage to stand by principles in the face of adversity, and it demands empathy to treat others with kindness and respect, regardless of the situation. These qualities, though difficult to cultivate, are what make the pursuit of being a gentleman so meaningful.

Closing Thought

As I reached 40, having navigated the disappointments, setbacks, expectations, and burdens that life inevitably brings, I've come to a profound realization: the ideal of being a true gentleman is unattainable. Yet, in this realization, a profound truth emerges: while the pinnacle may forever elude me, the ascent is itself a noble ambition. It is in the striving, the learning, and the constant refinement of character that the true essence of gentlemanliness resides.

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