02.03.2025

If you need to tell people you’re a gentleman, you aren’t one

Many men today believe that being a gentleman is about grand gestures and social media validation, but true gentlemanly behavior requires no announcement—it’s evident in everyday actions.

Words: Tunku Sophia

AI

Gentlemen, we need to talk. And by "talk," I mean I need to give you a reality check that may sting a little.

If you constantly feel the need to remind people that you’re a gentleman, or trying to portray that you are gentleman style influencer, chances are, you’re not one. That’s like someone introducing themselves as an "alpha male" or putting "nice guy" in their dating profile—if it has to be said, it probably isn’t true.

But don’t take this as an attack. Consider it an opportunity for some self-reflection, a friendly nudge from the women who actually recognize and appreciate true gentlemanly behavior. Because trust me, we women can tell the difference between authentic class and an overcompensating Instagram post about your "gentlemanly nature."

Loud patterns, over-accessorizing are signs of trying too hard.

AI

The Social Media Gentleman: A Case Study in Trying Too Hard

Ah, the social media gentleman. You’ve seen him. He’s the guy who posts overly filtered photos of himself in OOTD, captioned with something like "Gentleman Style." Or maybe he published Youtube videos about how "to dress like a gentleman" but conveniently ignore the totality of the gentleman, in real life.

One too many men these days think being a gentleman is about being impeccably dressed, or grand gestures performed for an audience. They’ll pick up the dinner bill, but only if there’s an opportunity to post about it later. And heaven forbid you don’t acknowledge their effort! If you don’t flood them with praise, you’ll hear about how "women don’t appreciate good men anymore."

But here’s the thing: true gentlemen don’t perform. They just are. A man who genuinely embodies class and respect doesn’t need a photo or highlight reel to prove it. His actions speak for themselves, quietly and consistently.

Chivalry vs. Performative Chivalry

Let’s break this down. Chivalry is:

Treating all people with respect, not just the ones you find attractive.
Being kind without expecting a reward.
Carrying yourself with dignity and integrity, whether or not anyone is watching.
Understanding that listening is just as important as speaking.

Performative chivalry, on the other hand, is:

Holding the door open but getting offended if no one praises you.
Paying for dinner and then passive-aggressively tweeting about "gold diggers."
Calling yourself a "protector" while simultaneously being emotionally unavailable.
Talking about how you "respect women" but only if they meet your standards of femininity.

See the difference? True class isn’t self-proclaimed, and it certainly isn’t conditional.

Prince William and John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg.

Getty

What Women Actually Notice

Contrary to popular belief, we don’t need flashy, over-the-top gestures to recognize a gentleman. In fact, the most telling signs of genuine character are often in the small details:

How does he treat service staff? Is he polite to waiters, baristas, or janitors when no one’s watching?
Does he follow through on his word, even when it’s inconvenient?
Is he the kind of person who can admit when he’s wrong without throwing a tantrum?
Does he take care of the people in his life without expecting constant validation?

Real gentlemen don’t seek applause. They’re not waiting for someone to hand them a "Good Guy" trophy. They do what’s right because it’s part of their character—not because they want credit for it.

The Uncomfortable Truth: Being a Gentleman Isn’t About You

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable for some: being a gentleman isn’t about earning points, boosting your ego, or proving your worth. It’s about showing up in the world with integrity, generosity, and respect, regardless of whether anyone is watching or praising you for it.

It means accepting that sometimes, you won’t get a thank-you. Sometimes, your kindness won’t be acknowledged. And that’s okay. Because the moment you start keeping score, you’re no longer being kind—you’re making transactions.

And let’s be honest, gentlemen: no woman wants to feel like she owes you appreciation just because you acted decently.

The Challenge: Less Talking, More Being

If this article hit a nerve, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed to the ranks of the "fake gentleman" forever. It just means there’s an opportunity to shift your mindset.

So here’s a challenge: for the next month, stop telling people you’re a gentleman. Stop trying to prove it through social media posts, grandstanding, or self-congratulatory remarks. Just be one.

At the end of the day, the men who truly embody the gentleman’s code don’t need to say a word about it. They just live it. And trust me, we notice.

And if you still feel the need to constantly declare yourself a gentleman? Well, that may just be the clearest sign that you aren’t one.

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