16.08.2025

A gentleman's guide on how to deal with rude people

Politeness costs nothing, but not everyone was raised with it. Learn smart, dignified ways to handle rude people without losing your composure.

Words: Byron Tully

Photo: Alain Delon. Getty Images (photo for illustration only)

 

One of the bigger challenges for those of us not raised by wolves is interacting with people who were.

Like many of you, I was raised to be polite. To have an awareness of others and to be courteous whenever possible.

I habitually open doors for people, usually ladies, but sometimes elderly men or people with an armful of packages. If someone is purchasing two items and I am purchasing twenty, I encourage them to go ahead of me in the grocery checkout line. I offer my seat on the metro to anyone who seems weary or a little unstable on their feet.

Like many of you, I see this behavior as not only socially appropriate, but as a baseline for being human. While I hate the phrase ‘It’s the least I can do,’ the truth is that most courtesies require little effort and cost us nothing.

Sadly, not all people were raised as well. Not all people choose to be polite in daily life. And as much as I try to distance myself from them, I end up inevitably sharing the same sidewalk, sitting in the same cafe, and riding on the same train as The Barbarians.

You feel my pain, I know. But what can we do?

Well, I have a few thoughts.

Alain Delon.

 

First, if at all possible, ignore them. Not acknowledging, responding to, or reacting to bad behavior is a good first step. Especially if someone is sitting three feet from you. In Paris, I have a veritable buffet of effortlessly dismissive options: If the rude people speak French, I can pretend I don’t. If the rude people speak English, I can pretend  I don’t. I can remain silent and simply stare at The Barbarians with a poker face. I can pretend they are invisible. All of these are a first line of defense.

Second, offer up the possibility of a misunderstanding. Certainly the Barbarian in question was not intentionally being rude. Give the great unwashed the benefit of the doubt. Don’t overreact. People make mistakes or ‘space out’ or have other serious concerns on their minds which can overshadow their normally polite behavior. Be considerate in your effort to correct.

You might start with, ‘I’m not sure, but I think the couple standing next to you were here first.’ Of course you’re sure. It’s obvious, but introducing the possibility of a misunderstanding, as opposed to assessing blame from the start, is a diplomatic way to create awareness and hopefully moderate bad behavior.

Third, just call a spade a spade. If someone is actively, assertively, and brazenly out of line with their behavior, feel free to say, ‘That’s rude,’ or ‘That’s not very polite.’ Don’t raise your voice. Don’t elaborate. Don’t confront the Barbarian physically. Just call the behavior out for what it is. Often, being confronted about one’s inconsiderate behavior is enough to check it, even as the guilty party denies or tries to justify their behavior.

Sometimes the confrontation is not effective, and the rudeness only escalates. If this happens, don’t argue with The Barbarian. Simply say, ‘I think our conversation is over.’ And walk away.

A word of caution: if there’s alcohol involved and the Barbarian is intoxicated, don’t say anything. Just walk away if they’re rude. Or speak to the host of the event, the manager of the establishment, or someone in authority. It’s their job to handle rude people. Let them deal with it.

What we can’t do is just let bad behavior run rampant. What we must do is set an example. We must hold the line.

About Byron Tully (right)

Grandson of a newspaper publisher and son of an oil industry executive, Byron Tully is an author who also writes for the entertainment industry. His nonfiction debut, "The Old Money Book," was published in April of 2013 to excellent reviews and enjoys consistently strong sales worldwide. His other works include "The Old Money Guide To Marriage", "Old Money, New Woman: How To Manage Your Money and Your Life", and "Old Money Style - The Gentleman's Edition".

Byron regularly contributes to its blog, www.theoldmoneybook.com, which has been visited by over 1 million readers since 2014.

In February of 2020, "Old Money Style - The Gentleman's Edition" was published by Acorn Street Press. This fourth book in the Old Money series reveals the fundamentals of dressing well in a classic and timeless style. In November of 2020, Byron published a 2nd Edition of "The Old Money Book", which expands on his original classic. This 2nd Edition includes vital information and insights for readers as they navigate a very different, post-pandemic world.

Byron speaks frequently about the culture and values of Old Money. He has been interviewed by KABC New York's Financial Quarterback Show, The Huffington Post, and The Simple Dollar, among others.

He lives in Paris and is happily married to an Old Money Gal from Boston.

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