21.10.2024

Wife opposes my gentleman lifestyle – What should I do?

A husband shares his struggle with his wife's disapproval of his passion for cultural events, gentlemanly values, and British upper-class etiquette. How can he balance his hobbies and marital expectations?

The Knights Award Season 3 at Dewan Filharmonik PETRONAS. Picture for illustration only.

Question from YM Tengku Edzuan:

Hi GC,

I am very keen with British culture and I have always respected them with how they socialize, and communicate in a very unique manner, like an upper class and they have their own values which is different than the regular joes. I have been attending cultural events like the orchestra, performing arts as well as polos and tennis. I have always dreamt of going to the wimbledon to meet all this upper class people.

Unfortunately, Many Malaysians, in particular the Malays see them as being a show off (or what most Malays would call "kerek") which I totally disagree because they have their own values. Its not a show-off but they are just being who they are, how they were brought up in a different manner with values and manners. There is a reason why they are called upper class / elites right? Otherwise you guys would just be regular joes.

Sorry for the long introduction but I have a serious concern here....

I have been married for a year and my wife seems against this gentleman culture. Totally against. She doesn't like me when I attend all these cultural shows because she thinks that it is "westernized" and she thinks that I would "cuci mata" because there are plenty of sexy women when I attend all this cultural events, for example I recently attended the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra at Suria KLCC and put up some pictures on my Instagram. I went there with a few male friends because it was an anime concert. I took some pictures of other attendees because they were all wearing sharp and my wife saw the pictures and she starts questioning me. The other day I attended the KL fashion show and took photos and videos of the event and the attendees and shared them on my social media, and she was not please either.

She wants me to stop going to all these events. She even threaten me that if I were to continue attending these events, she would leave as she expected me to be more "malay" and "islamic" like her after we got married. I have told her many times that this gentleman events has nothing to do with religion or race. I even told her it is just an upgrade of life. It's like an evolution of mamak. Instead of lepak at the mamak with teh tarik, I would be at a ball wearing a tuxedo. Instead of tea tarik, I am sipping on a grape juice and bruschetta caprese. Instead of an environment full of people with sandals and t-shirts, I am surrounded by well-dressed folks. She still won't buy that theory.

If only she had told me earlier than she is not supportive of my hobbies so I wouldn't have married her. I have never thought she would go against what I like. I love events, I love attending cultural shows, I love to dress up, but my wife has zero support on this. When we dated, she has never spoken of this. She just assumed that I would change when I got married. She assumed wrong. She is demanding me to be involve in more religious activity like tadabbur and attending islamic events. I tried to balance it with her by saying I can do that but also I would continue attending modern events. She does not agree with my terms. She wants me to completely forget all those gentlemanly events and focus on being a religious man. I am just dumbfounded by this.

I thought we men have ego but boy I was wrong. I have tried many ways to convince her but she would not budge at all. She wants me to completely stop. She even highlighted to her mom and her mom agrees with her and wants me to stop. I totally do not agree with her to get her mom involved in this. It gets more complicated. It's either her way or the high way. Honestly, I don't think I want to sacrifice my hobby just to please my wife. She is supposed to be supportive of what I like. I don't bug her to attend all the events. I respect that she doesn't like going.

Why can't she be supportive of me? What is your advice bro?

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi YM Tengku Edzuan,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with us. As someone hailing from a royal lineage, your perspective carries a unique weight. I've observed that in Malay countries such as Brunei and Malaysia, particularly in states with royalty like Selangor, Negeri Sembilan, Kedah, Perak, Pahang, and Johor, there's a distinct culture among those of royal descent - a focus on polished speech, refined living and impeccable appearance that's akin to British gentlemen, American "blue bloods," or Indonesian "priyayi." It's a subtle yet palpable quality that sets a tone of elegance and grace in the society. A role-model in my view. This tradition is indeed admirable and worth preserving in its essence.

Your passion for gentleman's culture and commitment to personal refinement clearly stem from this long and rich heritage. It's a valuable aspect of your identity that adds depth to our discussion of your current predicament, which touches on issues of personal identity, cultural values, and marital expectations.

First, I'd like to address your perspective on "upper class" culture. While I understand your admiration for certain aspects of British and Western culture, and how they may resonate with your own background, it's important to approach this with nuance. True gentlemanly behavior, whether in Malaysian royal circles or elsewhere, isn't solely about social class or elitism, but rather about cultivating timeless virtues like self-improvement, decorum, and chivalrous. These qualities can be found and nurtured in any culture or social stratum, from Boston Massachusetts to Jakarta Indonesia, though they may manifest differently.

Regarding your marital situation, it's clear that there's a significant disconnect between your interests and your wife's expectations. This is a sensitive issue that requires open communication, mutual understanding, and potentially professional guidance. Here are some thoughts to consider:

1. Open dialogue: Try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about your passions and why they're important to you. Listen to her concerns without judgment and try to understand her perspective as well.

2. Find common ground: Look for ways to integrate your interests with your wife's values. Perhaps there are cultural events that are not too westernised or activities that align with both your aesthetic preferences and her religious or cultural expectations. Feel free to check our monthly lifestyle guide.

3. Compromise: Consider ways you might be able to balance your interests with your wife's desires. This might mean reducing the frequency of certain events or finding new shared activities you both enjoy.

4. Seek counseling: If communication remains difficult, consider couples counseling, preferably with someone who understands both your cultural context and your personal interests.

5. Personal reflection: Reflect on your own priorities and what you're willing to compromise on. Marriage often requires adjustments from both parties, but it shouldn't mean completely abandoning your royal descendant identity or passions.

Remember, being a gentleman isn't just about attending certain events or dressing a particular way. It's about how you carry yourself, treat others, and navigate life's challenges with class. These are qualities you can embody in any setting, whether it's a high-society event or a local gotong-royong (community gathering).

I hope you and your wife can find a path forward that allows you both to feel respected, understood, and fulfilled in your marriage. If you need further advice or resources, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Wishing you the best,

The Gentleman

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Wife opposes my gentleman lifestyle – What should I do?

A husband shares his struggle with his wife's disapproval of his passion for cultural events, gentlemanly values, and British upper-class etiquette. How can he balance his hobbies and marital expectations?

Question from YM Tengku Edzuan:

Hi GC,

Sorry for the long introduction but I have a serious concern here....

Why can't she be supportive of me? What is your advice bro?

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi YM Tengku Edzuan,

Regarding your marital situation, it's clear that there's a significant disconnect between your interests and your wife's expectations. This is a sensitive issue that requires open communication, mutual understanding, and potentially professional guidance. Here are some thoughts to consider:

1. Open dialogue: Try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about your passions and why they're important to you. Listen to her concerns without judgment and try to understand her perspective as well.

3. Compromise: Consider ways you might be able to balance your interests with your wife's desires. This might mean reducing the frequency of certain events or finding new shared activities you both enjoy.

4. Seek counseling: If communication remains difficult, consider couples counseling, preferably with someone who understands both your cultural context and your personal interests.

5. Personal reflection: Reflect on your own priorities and what you're willing to compromise on. Marriage often requires adjustments from both parties, but it shouldn't mean completely abandoning your royal descendant identity or passions.

I hope you and your wife can find a path forward that allows you both to feel respected, understood, and fulfilled in your marriage. If you need further advice or resources, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Wishing you the best,

The Gentleman

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READ MORE: How to Dress like a Royal, for the Important Occasions

READ MORE: Royalty & Nobility as Multi-Generational Institutions

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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