19.05.2025

When she talks like a man: One brother’s concern about modern relationships

A concerned brother writes to GC about his younger sibling's troubled relationship, raising questions about changing gender roles, communication styles, and the emotional toll of modern love.

Photo illustration by Shutterstock.

 

Letter from Arif.

 

Hi GC,

I hope you're well.

I’d like to raise something that’s been weighing on my mind, as it involves my younger brother and his girlfriend.

They’ve been together for about six months, and he’s been having a tough time navigating the relationship. He feels disrespected - and frankly, I’ve noticed it too.

Last weekend, they visited my home for a catch-up. What stood out was the way she spoke to him - her tone and choice of words were strikingly masculine. She used phrases like “Wei, jom balik wei,” “Penat ah doh,” “Takut doh,” “Banyak keje siot,” and others that I wouldn’t typically expect from a woman. To me, this didn’t reflect the grace or softness I usually associate with feminine conversation. Instead, it sounded more like how men banter with one another.

Later that night, my brother called me. He told me he had brought it up with her, saying she was being a bit too rough in how she spoke to him. Unfortunately, it didn’t go down well. She called him sexist. She argued that expecting women to speak softly and politely was outdated, and that equality between men and women extends to how they communicate too. She told him he needed to “get up to speed” with the modern woman.

He then asked her why she hadn’t shown this side of herself earlier in the relationship - so he could’ve prepared himself. That also didn’t land well. She replied that you only truly get to know someone when you spend more time with them, particularly in person.

To be honest, my gut feeling is this: if your partner suddenly changes so drastically, especially in attitude and behavior, it might suggest they’re no longer fully invested in the relationship. I don’t know for sure - but it certainly doesn’t look good.

So GC, I’d like to ask from your perspective: are women truly changing? Are we now expected to embrace complete parity in everything, including how we speak to one another? And if so - why is the tone so aggressive at times? Is this a symptom of deeper frustration, perhaps resentment toward men? If that’s the case, it’s troubling. Because if some women carry such disdain toward men, why still pursue relationships with us? Is it about companionship, or something else, like financial stability?

And what about those who’ve been hurt by men before? Why must they project those experiences onto others who had nothing to do with it?

I understand that stereotyping is harmful - whether toward men or women. It can damage both personal and professional lives, and create fear, distrust, and emotional distress. Frankly, it’s worrying to think that this kind of dynamic might become the new normal. We already hear so many stories about unhappy relationships. When emotional safety starts slipping away, it’s not just about love anymore - it affects mental health, physical well-being, and the very quality of life. In some ways, it feels like a life-or-death matter, if you really think about it.

Thank you for listening, GC. I’d really appreciate your insights.

Warm regards,
Arif

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Arif,

Thank you for reaching out again - and for trusting GC with something so deeply personal. It means a great deal, not only as a publication but also as a community of men navigating the same tides of modern life, love, and manhood together.

First, let us say: you’re not alone. Many of us at GC have heard stories similar to your brother’s. Relationships can sometimes reveal sides of people we weren’t prepared for. It’s not always deception; sometimes, it’s simply layers unfolding with time and cohabitation.

To answer your question, yes - you're absolutely right that women today are evolving - just as men are. They're highly educated, more vocal, more independent - and that’s not a bad thing. It’s progress. It's the world moving forward. But with this evolution, sometimes friction arises, especially when expectations, values, or communication styles don’t align.

When your brother’s wife calls him “wei, jom balik” or says “takut doh”, we get it - at first, it can sound jarring. We’ve grown up with certain ideals about how women speak and behave, especially in the context of relationship. But today’s women speak with more directness, sometimes adopting the same casual bravado men use, not necessarily to emasculate - but perhaps to assert equality or even identity. It’s their way of saying: “I'm not playing the old role - I’m just being myself.”

However, there’s a delicate line between being assertive and being abrasive. Mutual respect must always be the foundation - regardless of gender. If someone’s way of speaking feels disrespectful or dismissive, it’s fair and necessary to bring it up. A relationship, after all, is not a debate stage.

Now, regarding your gut feeling - yes, behavior changes can sometimes signal shifting interest or emotional distance. Some GC members have shared how a woman pulling away - being less communicative, less affectionate, more irritable - preceded the revelation that her heart had moved on, sometimes to someone else. But let’s be fair: this is their experiential truth, not universal truth. Every relationship is unique, and assuming infidelity as the only explanation may only cloud real understanding.

The key is honest, non-accusatory conversation.

As to your broader question: “Are women changing to the point that they now talk to us with resentment? Do they hate men?” We don’t think so. We believe women are asking to be valued, heard, and treated as equals. Some may carry trauma or baggage from past relationships, just as many men do. The danger lies in generalizing. Not all women are out to dominate. Not all men are toxic. But when hurt goes unhealed, it gets projected - and sometimes, yes, good men get caught in the crossfire. But that doesn’t mean we give up. Instead, it means we - as modern gentlemen - must continue to understand our partner's fundamental interests, refine our communication, and hold the line of respect and dignity in our relationships.

We are living in a time of transition. Masculinity is being redefined. Femininity is being reinterpreted. The dance between man and woman has never been more complex - but it’s also never been more rich with potential for deeper, more meaningful connection. Your brother doesn’t have to suffer in silence. Encourage him to seek understanding, but also to know his worth. If love remains, effort must be mutual. If not, then wisdom must guide his next steps.

Stay strong, brother. You’ve been through your own trials, and now you're guiding your younger sibling. That’s a true mark of a man.

We’ll always be here - on the page and in spirit - with you.

 

With gratitude,

The Gent

 

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1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

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