Nur Fazura & Fattah Amin
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Question from Ustaz Fakrul Mohamed Bari:
Assalamualaikum and Jazakallah Khair,
First and foremost, a heartfelt thanks on educating men to be a distinguished gentleman.
My name is Ustaz Fakrul Mohamed Bari, a counselor in marriage and rship with over 20+ years experience. Recently received the title Hifz Al-Quran for memorizing the holy Koran.
I was formerly with JAKIM's senior mgmt team for 10 years. I discovered your website from a relationship / marriage forum which is being discussed by members there of which I am also a member of. Given that we are at the eve of mawlid, this would be the perfect time to provide my opinion on this matter which is the reason for this email.
As a counselor in this area, I'd like to correct most perceptions about dissolving a marriage that it is neither good nor bad. You might find this a long-winded one because I am also sharing these views to others for awareness purposes.
1. A Divorcee is not necessarily a bad thing
The first impression of a divorcee means there is something wrong with you which is a stereotypical mindset. Living with another person from a different culture and upbringing is extremely challenging. We have to be mindful of the consequence of staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy as it could lead to chronic stress which becomes cumulative over the years. Stress could lead to critical diseases like heart diseases, cancer, depression and so forth which can be life threatening. In general, when people are stressed, they fall into bad habits like drug-use, binge eating, smoking. The influx of marital issues you have shared on your site is a testament to the high number of divorce cases that are happening in Malaysia.
From a counselor's perspective, the number of divorce cases are high but it does not necessarily paint a bad picture, as it could mean a greater awareness of mental health in relationships. People have begun to speak up when they are unhappy. Most divorce cases come from men but we have seen an uptick in women during the years. In Islam, it is considered "mubah" (Harus) to seek divorce if the husband is beating the wife or not paying his due nafaqa to the wife. In such a situation, the wife has the right to seek Fasakh (a type of divorce in Islam). In other circumstances where there is no harmony between both husband and wife (e.g. no laughter, constant depression and anxiety), then it is a "mubah" to seek a divorce. Mubah means neither act contributes a reward nor a sin.
2. Marriage doesn't equate to certainty.
People change over time, behaviors change, feelings and emotions change so they speak up. Bear in mind that in marriage, nothing is for certain. I have had cases of a 30 year old marriage ending because they have not been happy for the past 5 years. I deal with hundreds of applicants seeking separation / divorce on a daily basis per STATE. Over the past 10 years, the number of applicants has risen exponentially. Cases like Lost of love, financial constraints, incompatibility, infidelity are some of the common reasons. Some couples seek divorce because they no longer have attraction to one another. Feelings and love get lost overtime, replaced by hate and boredom. Some personalities change as you age which may not be pleasant to the other person. There are also couples that have completely lost the attraction because the spouse no longer looks attractive. All of this would lead towards infidelity.
Our objective as a counsellor has changed significantly over the past years due to the rising number of divorce rates. We no longer try to fix a marriage but we resolve conflicts even if it includes forfeiting the marriage because Jabatan has now factor in the psychological aspects. To be married to an unhappy person can lead to many other serious issues.
We have had people committing crimes because they feel pressured being in an unhappy marriage for years. Islam is a peaceful religion. If you really cannot be with someone, Islam permits that a divorce can be issued if there is no harmony in a marriage. It is a bigger sin to remain in an unhappy marriage. God has created many men and women out there. One Shoe Does Not Fit All.
3. Misconception of "Jodoh" (soulmates)
The concept of "Jodoh" has also been misunderstood by many, "Jodoh" is in the Almighty's hand but "Jodoh" can be re-created and end when needed. It is not cast in stone.
Don't force yourself to accept someone as your "jodoh" just because you are already married. Example: A wife is beaten up by her husband for months yet she still refuses to leave the marriage or a husband refuses to give nafkah to his wife as part of his duty as a husband, but the wife refuses to leave the marriage because of she thinks this is her "jodoh". This is a wrong understanding of "Jodoh". "Jodoh" literally means "live in pairs". As long as there is rship, there is "jodoh". If the relationship ends, it means this is not your "jodoh" whether you are engaged or married. The Almighty has awarded all of us the mind to make that judgement. If you are unhappy, if you are suffering, then this is not your "jodoh".
4. Opposite Attraction is a western myth. Quran emphasizes Kafa'ah (compatibility)
Incompatibility plays a big role in divorce rates. I always advice to find someone that is similar to you with minor differences because it makes things easier in the long run. Compatibility eventually trumps the thrill of novelty in the long run.
We need to take it slow. Get to know someone first before deciding to marry. Pay attention to red flags and don't go in blindly hoping things will work after marriage. Find someone who shares your beliefs and values which is exactly why I do not believe the notion that opposite attracts.
In Islam, it is recommended for one to assess Kafa'ah (compatibility) before committing to a marriage so that they are compatible and do not have differing lifestyles.
تَخَيَّرُوْا لِنُطَفِكُمْ وَأَنْكِحُوْا الأَكْفَاءَ وَأَنْكِحُوْا إِلَيْهِمْ
"Choose the best for your sperm, and marry compatible women and propose marriage to them."
5. Marriage Under Pressure
There are also too many people eager to get married just for the sake of getting married due to age, sex and societal pressure. Men want to get married fast because they just want a wife to please and pleasure them (sex). Ladies want to get married fast because they want their men to take over their commitment. They want to be free of commitments because ladies naturally over think. They think they do not have enough support for a living so they want to find a man fast to help them pay the bills. There is also this pre conceived notion that a relationship that is in topsy turvy would blossom after marriage. So rather than fixing it now, they take the risk by getting married first and then try to make it right which unfortunately many fall apart. Marriage under pressure is completely unacceptable.
Marrying someone who is not ready is also equally unacceptable. If you are not 100% committed to the marriage, if you hesitate with the marriage, DO NOT PROCEED. That is an instant red flag that will eventually destroy your marriage. No one can force you to marry, not even your future partner. If you are not ready, say you are not ready.
6. Love doesn't conquer all
Don't marry just because of love. Love can change to hate in a split second. I love you, you love me then the next day your relationship can be over. How many relationships have you ended despite saying I love you to each other?
Women are known to take love to the next level where even in an abusive relationship, they would remain loyal and endure countless tortures they take from their husbands. This is not the definition of marriage. This is stupidity at its worst. This is not "jodoh". When you think that you are loyal and then you share your terrible experience with others, it hinders people from getting married because your story puts fear into people's minds.
Other elements like compatible beliefs, mutual respect, strong interests, should be factored in before you decide to marry not because of sheer love.
7. Nothing Wrong with Marriage if you SELECT CAREFULLY
There is nothing to fear about marriage. You should be afraid about marrying the wrong person.
Poor planning = bad selection.
People have a project plan, with timeline and costs when they embark on a project. A marriage is a long term project that would take 40-50 years of your life so establish a plan. Write down the pros and cons of each other, write down each other's expectations. If you cannot meet the expectations, assess your tolerance level.
Women, if you want someone who has money, say it upfront and be specific. If you want someone to provide you a fancy house, be clear. There is nothing wrong with such a request. Everyone has their own requirements. This is your requirement so be clear with your partner on this.
Men, if you find that you cannot support your future wife, be upfront. Hide that ego. Don't commit because financial stress is dangerous. Many men commit suicide because of financial stress.God has not permitted His believers to commit suicide in any of these ways. In Islam it is considered as an ultimate sin, which is proved by verses of Holy Quran and Hadith.
Little things like you snoring badly in your sleep, or you have bad breath when you wake up, write it down and tell them to your partner. They need to know. You have to be transparent because there are divorce cases over things like this. It seems petty but there are some who take it seriously.
So be clear with who you really are, do not fake it. Remember the word Kafa'ah.
A good happy marriage will inspire people to get married. A bad marriage will deter people from getting married.
So select carefully. Nobody is chasing you to get married fast. This is your life.
8. Future Action Plans
As an independent, I am currently working collectively with Islamic agencies and other departments to address this issue because the divorce numbers cruising at an alarming altitude and we do not want this numbers to discourage
people from getting married. We are planning to table some proposals that we hope would be accepted by the relevant parties in 2026:
1. To revamp our kursus kahwin syllabus to focus on chemistry, similarities, financial planning, mental well-being.
2. To establish a premarital consultation to assess the couple's understanding / chemistry and identify the potential red flags and the couples tolerance level through a global scoring system.
3. To rectify the definition of "jodoh" due to many misconceptions about the term.
4. To be transparent in revealing the statistics of divorce in Malaysia in the kursus kahwin as a reminder / awareness that marriage is not just about love, but also other things.
I believe that the awareness and guidance are significantly inadequate at the moment which have contributed greatly to the rise of separation.
Apologies again for this long-winded post but I feel the need to share this with you especially during the eve of Mawlid so you can also help promote this awareness to your valuable readers.
Remember that marriage is a beautiful thing when it is with the right person. Don't be afraid to get married. Find that right person. It will fit you naturally.
I end this with السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ.
