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    15.03.2025

    The harsh realities of marriage: A 2024 survey on Malaysian marriages

    GC reader Arief reveals a staggering 88% of surveyed married Malaysians in Klang Valley report unhappiness in their marriage, citing loss of interest, financial struggles, and power imbalances. Discover the insights from a divorcee’s personal journey and why mental preparedness is key to navigating modern relationships.

    Monica Bellucci and Daniel Craig in 2015's Spectre.

    (Columbia Pictures/Everett Collection)

    Photo for illustration only.


    Letter from Arief.

    GC,

    Well done on your cause in helping men deal with hardships in life especially on marriage which is a very hot topic.

    I want to share with you a survey which I did in 2024 on relationships and the numbers are pretty staggering in my opinion. I think the numbers may be of help for you to respond to those in need of help.

    I actually did a survey of 100 Malaysians living within Klang Valley and one of the questions in the survey was on them to rate their happiness with their life partner after marriage. The question was provided to only those who had been married for more than 5 years which were given to 60 / 100 total population. The results came in and 53 / 60 said they were not happy with their marriage mainly due to loss of interest / no chemistry, financial troubles and superiority complex.

    I had interviewed some of these people just to assess how this happened. Many responded that they had no idea. it was just that one fine day, they just got bored with their partner while a few responded egos, and lack of communication. So what would be their solution? Over 70% predicted that they would eventually leave their partners by seeking separation / divorce while 30% would continue with the marriage because of their children but if it wasn't for their children, they would leave each other.

    So I questioned a handful of the 30% who would continue due to their children's sake, whether they would make the marriage work because of their children, they said they would not make it work because they just lost interest. They would not do things together anymore but would do it separately with their kids. They say that they are doing it as a responsibility rather than doing it for love. I find this dangerous because you are living in the house with a person who you no longer like, how does this affect the person mentally?

    I am a divorcee myself too after 5 years of wasted marriage and my divorce inspired me to write a paper about this hence the research data. It is most unfortunate that relationships today are so delicate that you need to bear in mind that anything can happen and one must be fully prepared for such circumstances.

    I did not expect my marriage to end after 5 years but we both got tired of each other. I blame myself for not being assertive to her because she did not respect me. She would do anything without informing me like bringing her friends to the house, making events with her friends etc. I expected her to ask my permission if she could do that because we both were staying in a small apartment so there are days where I return from work and need a break, only to come home to a house full of noise because of friends and also her friends bringing their own children. Sometimes she would make spontaneous plans with her friends and would drag me along when I just want to spend the day staying at home and just save money for something more important. Things like this may seem so small but it gets into a much heated argument when I find excuses to escape her plans. By all means, she can go ahead and hang out with her friends but why must I go when I just want to stay home and save?

    When you marry someone who will never listen to what a husband says, you are in big trouble. She wants to be superior and lead. When I don't agree to her terms, we end up fighting. Each time we fought, we lost a bit of interest toward each other until we just had no interest anymore because our differences were so vast that we just had to call it quits.

    So what is the solution to all this? My view is always be mentally prepared that marriage can go sideways because you are dealing with a person who you wouldn't know how their upbringing is, what kind of exposure they would get externally because you won't be with them all the time. Their friends can influence them, the environment can change their mind. Perhaps, she heard problems at the office and that changed her. You may think you know a person because they only tell you things that they want you to know. I never knew my ex wife was authoritarian. I knew she was slightly dominant but I didn't know that her dominant level was this bad because when we dated, she did not display any alarming traits. Her personality changed during our 3rd year of marriage.

    I am single today and I am much happier being single than when I was married because I finally get to do what I want. I can spend money on things I like. I can save more money to help my parents. My savings have increased a lot. I feel more fresh and more energetic because I now have less things to worry about. I worried a lot when I was married like how can I cope with her financial demands, how can I sacrifice the stuff I want to get for myself....to get her stuff, worry about her friends being at my house when I get back to work because I want to relax. Worry about her spontaneous plans to always go out and spend because if I turn her down, we would go into a fight. So many stresses have been prevented and money saved now that I am single.

    So a word of caution to GC members here that relationships are unpredictable. If you want to experience stress and worries and the challenge in managing women, by all means go get married but if you want peace in life with less to worry about, single life is always more relaxed.

    You can still be a gentleman without a woman.

    Answer by The Gentleman:

    Hi Arief,

    First and foremost, we want to thank you for your thoughtful letter and for taking the time to share your research and personal experience.

    The statistics you've gathered are indeed troubling. When 53 out of 60 respondents express unhappiness in their marriages of 5+ years, we must acknowledge this as a serious concern. The reasons you've identified—loss of chemistry, financial troubles, and superiority complexes—are unfortunately common themes in many of the letters we received.

    Let us start by saying this—marriage is hard. Every meaningful pursuit, whether it be success, personal growth, or even pursuing a path to be a gentlemen, requires constant struggle. But then again, so is life. The question becomes whether the difficulties of marriage bring growth and fulfillment or merely compound life's inherent challenges.

    The notion that marriage should always be effortless is a dangerous illusion, one that often leads to disappointment. The reality is that two individuals, no matter how deeply in love, will inevitably face differences, disagreements, and moments of detachment at some points in their marriage.

    Having said that, we admire your accountability in admitting your own missteps. It takes true courage for a man to look back, acknowledge what went wrong, and strive to be better. Many men struggle in silence, refusing to confront the part they played in the unraveling of a relationship. But growth only comes when we stop pointing fingers and start reflecting inward. As the old man said, "You've got to be a man first, before you can be a gentleman".

    Your perspective on relationships as unpredictable and ever-changing is valid. People evolve, sometimes in ways we can’t foresee, and external influences—from career pressures to social circles—can shape our partners in ways we may not expect. That is why a strong foundation, built on mutual respect and understanding, is crucial. It’s not just about chemistry or attraction; it’s about the ability to communicate, to compromise, and to endure.

    That said, the alternative you have chosen—embracing singlehood—is not something to be looked down upon. For some, solitude brings peace, clarity, and financial security. There is no shame in recognizing that marriage is not for everyone. However, We would offer this perspective: while single life may offer freedom, marriage, when navigated well, offers something equally valuable—growth and legacy. The challenge of balancing another person’s needs with our own, of finding harmony amid differences, is what shapes a man into a stronger, wiser version of himself.

    Ultimately, whether married or single, a gentleman’s duty is the same—to live and to lead with honor. Life will always be a battlefield, whether we are fighting for our dreams, our beliefs, or our relationships. And as gentlemen, knowing that we only have one life, we must pick our battles wisely, and act gracefully.

    Thank you again for contributing to this important conversation. Your willingness to share your experience helps others feel less alone in their struggles and provides valuable perspective for those making decisions about their own relationships.

    Wishing you continued strength and clarity in your journey.

     

    With respect,

    The Gentleman

     

    Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

    Please note: We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

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