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    05.05.2025

    The cost of dressing well: A reader’s reflection on elitism, stigma, and staying true in Malaysia

    A heartfelt letter from a UK-educated reader highlights the cultural stigma around dressing well in Malaysia, revealing how personal style is often misjudged as arrogance, Western mimicry, or elitism - and why staying true to oneself remains a gentleman’s quiet rebellion.

    Bankers Club Kuala Lumpur.

    Photo for illustration only.

     

    Letter from Azmil.

     

    Dear GC, 

    May this message find you well!

    I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate you on the publication of your article on how to be a gentleman. It's an incredible achievement, and I’m impressed by the insights and perspectives you shared in the piece. Your ability to tackle such an important and meaningful topic with thoughtfulness and depth is truly admirable.

    Some of the stories did resonate with me and I wish to share some of the challenges. I was mostly educated in the UK and having been raised in the UK as a child, dress code has been my utmost priority. I always believe that the way you dress expresses your personality, interests, and values without saying a single word.

    Unfortunately in Malaysia, there is a constant stigma where folks that dress well are often seen as an attempt to dress above a certain status which ultimately can be seen as a "show off" or pretending to be of a higher status, which might be frowned upon. I have been bullied at my workspace in Malaysia for always dressing well and the bullies are grown up men in their late 20's and early 30's who behave like a bunch of teenagers who failed to reach puberty. 

    There are also this perception that dressing well means trying to be a "Western" is seen as a form of cultural assimilation or loss of heritage. There is just too much pride in our traditional ways of dressing that a change in the wardrobe is widely seen as a taboo by our society. I have not changed my way of dressing even today at 38 years old, but I continue to be labeled as a sign of arrogance, excess, or disconnection from the realities of the wider society. As I got older, I am no longer bullied but the negative perception of me has never faltered. When dressing well is seen as a disruption of cultural norms and modesty and a sign of elitism and class division, It would be an impossible task to change such perception.

    The next I wish to share is on your publication on marital affairs which to me, is incredibly helpful for many people, as you have offered valuable perspectives and practical advice. It's not an easy subject to tackle, but you made it engaging and relatable.

    Again, I truly appreciate the work you’re doing in your publication by offering practical advice and perspectives on self-improvement for men. The impact of your articles is clear, and your commitment to supporting growth and positive change is commendable.

    Thank you for your continued dedication to such a vital cause,

    Azmil and Brit ;)

    Answer by The Gentleman:

    Hi Azmil,

    What a profound and courageous letter.

    Your words moved us deeply - not only because of the pain and misunderstanding you've endured, but also because of the quiet strength and honesty in which you share your journey. We cannot thank you enough for trusting us with your truth. It is men like you who affirm why GC exists in the first place.

    What happened to you happened to many of us. Yes, we’ve been mocked. Laughed at. Perceived as being pretentious, too Western, too polished for our surroundings. But as our co-founder rightly said: "we only have one life. We might as well walk through it well-dressed, well-mannered, and well-lived."

    To dress well is not to betray our roots, but to honour our sense who we are as a man. You and us both know that British culture - its gentry, its gentlemen schools, its code of decorum - taught us that elegance is not about flaunting wealth, but about discipline and self-respect. In that world, a man is measured not by what he wears, but by how he carries himself, how he speaks, how he listens. These values are not Western. They are universal - and perhaps more than ever, needed.

    As for the hostility you've faced here in Malaysia, we feel your ache. There is a kind of deep cultural suspicion towards anything perceived as refinement. A fear that to aim higher, to live beautifully, is to look down on others. We know that isn’t true. But truth, sadly, is not always fashionable. It is brave, therefore, to be misunderstood - and still be kind despite being insulted and mocked.

    Your reflections on marriage also cut to the bone. We don’t often speak of the wounds men carry in love, and certainly not with your kind of grace. We are sorry for what you’ve endured. But we are overjoyed that you’ve found peace with Britt. She sounds extraordinary. The very fact that you can write to us with so much clarity and calm speaks to the healing you’ve both built together. It gives hope to many, and we thank you for that.

    We hope we will not only remain in touch, but grow as friends. Your voice - and your journey - are exactly what GC stands for: that amidst modern chaos, there still exist men who seek to raise the bar, honour, and quiet elegance.

    Please extend our warm regards to Britt. And Azmil - never doubt this: the way you choose to live is not wrong. It is rare. And it is noble.

     

    With sincere warmth and admiration,

    RELATED READING: Elderly reader reflects on societal influence on dressing well and values

    RELATED READING: The dapper & socialite gent: Lessons from Tunku Abdul Rahman



    Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

    Please note:

    1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

    2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence or hate speech.

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