11.10.2024

Struggling with physical attraction after marriage

Mr. Rizal shares his post-marriage experience of feeling deceived by his wife’s appearance without makeup. He seeks advice on how to address his struggles with physical attraction and maintaining intimacy after eight months of marriage.

Beatrice Borromeo and Pierre Casiraghi/Getty. Picture for illustration only.

Question from Mr. Rizal:

Hi GC,

I'd like to seek your professional opinion. I think I agree that men would lose interest in their partner when they look ugly. I am experience this right now. I knew my girlfriend for a 1 year and then she offered to get married. At first I was reluctant then I decided why not. I was shocked that she asked about marriage because I wanted to give more time (e.g. 3 years) before asking that. So we got married 8 months ago.

When we dated, It never occurred to me that she would look different without makeup. I seriously never thought of it. When we got married and we slept on the same bed...that was where I saw her without makeup for the first time....and she looked so different. She no longer look pretty. I felt like I got cheated. Is this the girl that I married? I tried to shake away that feeling but I just couldn't. I know the cliche idiom about not judging a book by its cover, but guys, we men are naturally attracted by beautiful women. To top that off, after 8 months of marriage, she has grown fat. The fat part isn't much of a bother but seeing her without makeup is a big big big deal and I am turned off by this. Totally turned off. I am sad that I got cheated and now I am in a difficult predicament. Reading your complaints here somehow gives me some comfort that it's fine to end this. She has good qualities in her which I don't deny but I just can't move on from the fact that I married someone who physically isn't my type after removing her makeup. It's funny and strange reading this but this is what I am facing now. GC, please assist.

Maybe you really should come up with an article about the danger of hiding behind a makeup. I think women must be transparent about the way they look. I never thought about this when I dated because she was always with makeup and It didn't really cross my mind to ask her how she looks without makeup. After I got married, then I realize she uses makeups, color corrector, mascara, blush etc...without all that, her beauty is gone. like na-da. I really felt cheated. The difference is huge like she just removed a plastic surgery! I haven't had sex because I just can't move on from this thought. Maybe that is why she wanted to get married fast! Have you ever encounter other men facing this?

I am just gonna end this but your advice is appreciated.

Rizal.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. Rizal,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns with us at GC. Your honesty is appreciated, as it’s not always easy to speak about these deeply personal experiences.

First, it's important to recognize that attraction plays a key role in relationships, especially in the early stages of marriage. As men, we are often visually oriented, and it’s understandable that you feel disillusioned after discovering the difference between her made-up appearance and her natural look. However, physical beauty, while important, is only one facet of a long-term relationship.

You mentioned that your wife has good qualities, and that’s worth considering when assessing the overall strength of your marriage. That being said, if her appearance is affecting your attraction, there are ways to approach this situation with love and support. Invest in her external beauty can be a win-win for both of you—helping her feel more confident while also addressing your preferences.

Start by invest in her skincare routines that enhance her natural beauty, and perhaps explore facials or treatments that can help her feel radiant (we recommend SK-II). You could even gently suggest elegant makeup that enhances her features rather than masks them—working with her on a look that brings out her best in a natural, glowing way.

In addition, supporting her fitness journey (yoga, tennis, paddle, strength training, boxing, horse riding) by investing in stylish workout apparel or booking a couple's fitness session could make her feel valued, while also addressing any concerns about physical health. A simple gift, like booking her a spa day may inspire her to focus on self-care. These gestures not only help your wife feel more confident in her appearance but can also deepen your connection as a couple.

Encouraging her to look and feel her best will improve not only her self-esteem but also your connection as a couple. Remember that building a healthy partnership involves nurturing each other, and beauty is more than skin deep—it’s also about how we take care of ourselves.

As we often say, “A happy wife is a happy life,” and investing in her happiness—both emotionally and physically—will pay off in your relationship.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

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