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Seeking Advice on a Troubled Marriage: A Husband's Perspective

Reader Seeks Advice on Marriage Struggles and Mental Health Impact due to Wife's Constant Accusations and Insults.

Picture: Boggi Milano


Question from Mr. S (real name is undisclosed):

Dear GC,

I wish to get your advice on my marriage. I am having a big problem with my wife. Things that you can only detect when you stay together which is after marriage. I don't want to go into too details but both of us have gone into insanity if that is the word I can put it. We have differences in opinions, style, money, everything. and we seem to fight almost every week. The worst part is, she is vocal so she would curse me non-stop face to face or via whatsapp. sometimes when we fight in the morning, and I go to work, she would continue mocking me via whatsapp when I am at the office and it is psychotic. It is just mental stress that I just can't do it anymore. I try to be patient and I try to suppress my anger but girls being girls, they will continue to push you and curse you and threaten you until you break. I couldn't focus on my job with her rant. Sometimes things that are trivial like she is suspicious of my handphone and who I am messaging. To be honest, I have no affair at all, but of course I have female friends who are one of my lunch geng. We go lunch at work in group so sometimes she would randomly ask one of us if lunch is on. She would sometime whatsapp me like "is lunch on today" ? and I'll say "sure". But we would go in large groups. So my wife and I fought over this because I refuse to give her my HP. Then when she started hurling all the curse words at me, I threw the phone at her face and told her to look at it because I did nothing wrong. She saw that whatsapp message and thinks I am having an affair with my female colleague and went lunch with her alone. Now she doesn't trust me and wants to dig further into my instagram and facebook.

Now when I come back home, she would provoke me with questions about my lunch buddies. "Is the girl that keeps whatsapping you there with you?"

There are also other things that she has been questioning like me going out to watch football at mamak. I love football and I been doing it since college days, hanging out with a bunch of guys at the mamak for tea tarik, roti canai and watching our football team. My wife hates that life even I don't force to bring her. but she would question me why am I going out like this when I am already married? I didn't know you can't do this. I see so many married people would go out and hang out every twice a week or so. I need some space but she would question this. Sometimes at 1030 pm she would whatsapp me with all those psychotic message because I am not back yet. It's a football match! It doesn't end till 11 ish! You can always ask politely when will I be back right? But she just spews so much hate and then accuse me that I am not watching football but sleeping with another girl! How would you feel GC if you are being accused like that? It stressful and she totally destroy my mood.

I am already seeking a psychiatric help because of this, I have developed anxiety disorder. It's a mental illness which you get when you have overpowering stress. I can't sleep. I keep thinking that I am married to a monster.

If this continues, I will have to seek for counselling and for my health sake, end this marriage. It is not healthy. I am not happy. I am thankful that we do not have any kids so the process to end this would be easier.

So GC, what is your advice to all men if they end up in this situation? I was a healthy man, I am a sports person, I play football almost every alternate days and now I have a mental illness because I am married to a woman who is psychotic. I have done nothing wrong. I go to work, I go lunch in group and never with a female alone, After work I come back home. Sometimes I go to mamak to watch football and I am seen as a suspicious person by my own freaking wife. No man has to go through this ordeal. Remember, stress is no joke. It will slowly kill you.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hey there, Mr. S!

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your heartfelt story. We understand how difficult it must have been to open up about such a personal and painful experience. Your message highlights the complex and often overwhelming challenges that can arise in a marriage. Marriage is a complex partnership, and disagreements are inevitable. However, the level of conflict and suspicion you describe is concerning.

First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge the gravity of your situation and the impact it has had on your mental health. Stress and anxiety are serious issues, and it's commendable that you've sought psychiatric help. Prioritizing your mental well-being is crucial, and it shows your strength and determination to improve your situation.

In a marriage, communication and trust are fundamental pillars. The breakdown of these can lead to the kind of turmoil you're experiencing. It seems that your wife’s suspicions and accusations are causing significant distress, and her approach to conflict is exacerbating the problem. Here are a few steps you might consider:

  1. Counseling: Seek couples counseling. A neutral third party can help both of you express your feelings and work through your differences in a structured and supportive environment. This might also help your wife understand the impact of her behavior on your mental health.

  2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding respect and communication. It's crucial for both partners to communicate respectfully, even during disagreements. Continuous verbal abuse and accusations are unacceptable and need to be addressed firmly.

  3. Open Dialogue: Try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about how her actions are affecting you. Sometimes, people don’t realize the extent of the harm they are causing until it is clearly communicated to them.

  4. Seek Support: Apart from professional help, talk to trusted friends or family members who can offer support and perspective. Sometimes, having a support system can make a significant difference.

  5. Evaluate the Relationship: Reflect on the overall health of your marriage. If, despite all efforts, the relationship continues to be toxic and detrimental to your well-being, it might be necessary to consider more drastic measures, such as a separation. Your health and happiness are paramount.

To our readers who might be facing similar situations, it's important to remember that you're not alone. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Prioritize your mental health and well-being, and don’t hesitate to reach out to professionals who can assist you in navigating these challenges.

Mr. S, we hope that you find a path that leads to peace and happiness. Remember, taking care of yourself is the first step towards any resolution. We wish you strength as you move forward.

Best regards,

The Gentleman

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