28.08.2024

Overcoming the trauma of failed relationships and embracing singlehood

A heartfelt inquiry from a 34-year-old bachelor struggling with the trauma of broken engagements, seeking advice on how to find peace and motivation in singlehood after enduring emotional and financial challenges in relationships.

Sartoria Rossi

Question from Mr. S:

Dear GC,

Thank you for sharing many of the men's concerns in ask the gent section. By reading many of these comments makes me feel relieved that there are many out there who have issues with women which unfortunately led to separations and divorces.

May I know why women are becoming very selective when they want to choose their life partner? I am 34 years old and for a malay, this is considered a catastrophic age for someone who is still a bachelor. I was supposed to marry in 2016 and 2019. I "putus tunang" in 2016 because she dumped me because she somehow had a change of heart (she ended the rship 3 weeks before marriage!! ). I found a new person and again "putus tunang" in 2019 because she had a list of eye popping demands (e.g. she wanted specifically a corner house in shah alam ( her so-called justification is to be near to her parents), she wanted an allowance of rm5,000 every month which does not include our normal dating outing), I couldn't afford it so she walked away. All this was not made clear before the engagement. I was fortunate that both did not reach the marital stage or I might have been divorced twice. I am now 34 years old and when ppl talk about marriage, I get anxiety disorder because all the bad memories about my failed engagements would creep back into me. It has somehow become a mental breakdown for me because of the reputational damage both engagements did to me. The damage was terrible to me and to my parents and family.

For someone who no longer wants a relationship or a partner in life because of a traumatized experience, how can you motivate men like me that being single is better? What kind of encouragement can you give to me? There are times I feel content that I am single because my only commitment is just me, I am able to manage my finances and save well. But there are times I feel sad that I had to endure terrible rships while many out there managed to find success in love. A part of me sometimes tells me it's better this way because the world is avoiding relationships now as the cost is just too high to bear and women can never understand the value of money / savings. Financial constraints remains the no.1 factor of separation / divorce. Even studies are showing the increasing rate of people choosing to be single. These facts would give me some comfort in life that it's okay to be alone, but there are times I would feel down when I look at my fate in this world. what advice can you give to motivate someone like me, that single is actually better?

Thank you GC for the help and comfort.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hola Mr. S,

Thank you for opening up and sharing your story; it's evident that you've been through a lot. Your experiences are both challenging and, unfortunately, all too common for many men. It’s admirable that, despite the pain and difficulties you’ve faced, you’re seeking clarity and motivation to navigate life as a single man.

I can deeply relate to your experience. A few years ago, I found myself in a similar position—just a month before my wedding, the relationship I had invested so much in came to an abrupt end. The shock, disappointment, and sense of loss were overwhelming, not just for me but for my family as well. Like you, I was left questioning my value as a man and wondering how to move forward.

But here's where the journey took a transformative turn. Instead of letting the heartbreak define me, I decided to elevate myself. I immersed myself in new hobbies that I’d always wanted to explore but never had the time for. Polo and equestrian became more than just pastimes—they became passions that demanded discipline, focus, and brought a new sense of accomplishment. Travel became another form of healing. Rome, Florence and Athens, with their rich histories and cultural legacies, reminded me that beauty and resilience often emerge from the most turbulent of times.

I also started attending opera and ballet, finding solace and inspiration in high culture. The stories I witnessed on stage mirrored my own in many ways—tales of loss, redemption, and the pursuit of something greater. I poured myself into sartorial refinement, constantly refined myself on the power of elegance on a tailored suit or monochromatic dressing could do more than just impress; it could empower.

I continued to meet new people and date, not out of desperation, but with the understanding that the right person would eventually be drawn to the person I was becoming. And in time, I did find the princess of my life, someone who appreciated me for who I am and who complemented my journey of self-refinement.

So, to answer your question: being single isn’t just "better"—it can be a golden opportunity. It’s a time to invest in yourself, to heal, to grow, and to become the polished, elegant man you were always meant to be. The pain of your past doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Instead, let it be the catalyst for your transformation.

When you focus on becoming the best version of yourself—whether through new hobbies, travel, cultural enrichment, or personal refinement—you’ll find that life as a single man can be incredibly fulfilling. And if one day you do decide to open your heart again, you’ll be in a position of strength, ready to attract someone who sees and appreciates the prince you’ve become.

To address your question about why Malaysian women are becoming increasingly selective when choosing a life partner, it's important to recognize that societal changes and evolving expectations play significant roles. Many women today have higher educational achievements, greater career ambitions, and a desire for financial security. This shift naturally leads them to seek partners who can align with their aspirations, both emotionally and financially. The demands you've encountered, while perhaps daunting, often stem from these broader changes in societal dynamics.

Remember, your value isn’t tied to your relationship status; it’s tied to the man you choose to be every day. And from what you’ve shared, I believe you’re on the path to becoming someone truly remarkable.

If you ever find yourself feeling down, remind yourself that being single is not synonymous with being alone. It's an opportunity to build a life that truly reflects who you are and what you value. And when or if the time comes that you meet someone who aligns with your values without imposing unreasonable demands, you'll be in a stronger position to enter a healthy, balanced relationship.

In the meantime, embrace this chapter of your life. You’ve already demonstrated resilience, and that’s something to be proud of.

Thank you again for reaching out, and I wish you peace and fulfillment on your journey.

Best regards,

The Gentleman

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Overcoming the trauma of failed relationships and embracing singlehood

A heartfelt inquiry from a 34-year-old bachelor struggling with the trauma of broken engagements, seeking advice on how to find peace and motivation in singlehood after enduring emotional and financial challenges in relationships.

Sartoria Rossi

Question from Mr. S:

Dear GC,

Thank you for sharing many of the men's concerns in ask the gent section. By reading many of these comments makes me feel relieved that there are many out there who have issues with women which unfortunately led to separations and divorces.

Thank you GC for the help and comfort.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hola Mr. S,

Remember, your value isn’t tied to your relationship status; it’s tied to the man you choose to be every day. And from what you’ve shared, I believe you’re on the path to becoming someone truly remarkable.

In the meantime, embrace this chapter of your life. You’ve already demonstrated resilience, and that’s something to be proud of.

Thank you again for reaching out, and I wish you peace and fulfillment on your journey.

Best regards,

The Gentleman

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Our experts are here to guide you on your path to becoming a true gentleman.

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