27.09.2024

Navigating marriage and hidden illness

In his heartfelt plea, Alex reveals the challenges of facing his wife's critical illness after a year of marriage. With mounting medical bills and emotional turmoil, he seeks advice on whether to stay committed or consider divorce. Explore the complexities of marriage, honesty, and resilience in this poignant story.

Explore Alex's heartfelt journey through love, trust, and the challenges of financial responsibility in a difficult situation.

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Question from Mr. Alex:

Hi GC,

Alex here. I want to seek your indulgence on an issue that i am currently facing. I am married for almost a year. Before I got married I didn't know about this situation I was going to face that would change my life forever. She hid this thing from me. I am only 27 years old so my working experience is less so I cannot demand much. After a few months into my marriage, she let out to me that she has a critical illness which needed a lot of money to pay for her medicals. She will undergoing surgery and would require amputation of her leg. She would be on a wheelchair after this. This news shocked me like my life just turned upside down. I got married thinking that I would be having a companion to go holiday and to do some fun stuff. You know people say the first 3 years of your marriage is trying to get to know the person you are with, more like a honeymoon period. Sadly my first year is now nothing but hospital visits, and paying expensive medical bills. I felt cheated that she did not share this to me before we tied the knot. She was diagnosed with this critical illness a year before we got married and been going for her treatment quietly while she was going out with me on dates. She only decided to tell me after 4 months into our marriage. I would not mind if she got the illness after we got married but the fact that she hid this from me is selfish because I could have planned ahead at least financially. I could have delayed the wedding so that I can be prepared mentally and physically. Her dad was supporting her medical bills before she got married. Now I will need to take over which I cannot afford with my small pay. I am only earning RM 3,900 (not deducting tax) I do not want to borrow money from friends or take a personal loan. I don't want to get money from my parents or my in laws because they would question why I didn't I prepare this before marrying someone. I am very close to my brother and I also have a best friend who I have shared this news with, both of them have told me this was totally her being selfish and they told me to divorce her because she had no right to put me into this delicate situation. She definitely would not switch to a cheaper hospital like a government hospital as she has been getting her treatment at this private hospital. She, unfortunately did not get any medical insurance. So that's another big problem. Why didn't she do it? She wanted to but she kept delaying and delaying and delaying until she was diagnosed with this critical illness so now no insurance would want her. Also her being selfish and lazy! For the past few months, I was not able to sleep, I have a bad eye due to lack of sleep. I have started to pay her medical bills which is very expensive. Her surgery would cost RM 20-30k which I don't have the money for it. There would also be frequent post-surgery visits to the hospital for the doctor to monitor her. I don't know how to get that kind of money to pay for all this on top of paying the house rent and car. I even need take leave from my job. I only have 15 days of annual leave which now I am down to 3. I can't take leave for myself to go holiday or do the things i want. It's all taking leave so that I could go to hospitals. She has been on mc for more than 3 months and her company has valved her pay by 50%. So she also do not have much money. This is not the marriage I envisioned. I sympathy her but at the same time I just cannot forgive her for keeping this hidden and putting all this burden on me. I was happy before I got married. Now I am facing this nightmare because she kept this quiet. My best friend and my older brother are telling me to just divorce her otherwise I might go into depression. I am already 90% inclined towards getting a divorce but 10% of me feel sorry for her. What should I do guys? I would not reach out to you if this is not killing me.

Your bold advice is appreciated.

Alex.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. Alex,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with GC. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing right now. It’s understandable to feel a mix of anger, frustration, and concern in light of the challenges you’re facing in your marriage.

Your feelings are valid, especially considering the unexpected burden this has placed on you. It’s critical to recognize that honesty is a cornerstone of any relationship, and your wife’s decision to withhold this information has understandably shaken the trust between you.

In terms of your next steps, I believe it’s essential to approach this matter with both transparency and compassion. Given your financial constraints, it might be necessary to have an honest conversation with your wife about the need to switch to a government hospital for her treatment. While this may not be the solution she initially wants, it could significantly alleviate the financial pressure you’re under. This move can help protect both your financial stability and your peace of mind while ensuring she receives the necessary care.

As a husband, your instinct to protect and support her during such a vulnerable time is commendable. You have a significant code of chivalry within you, and I urge you not to abandon that. Remember, confronting difficulties with grace and understanding often yields unexpected rewards, both for you and your partner. When you face challenges and potential cruelty with this spirit of chivalry, the universe tends to respond in kind.

Additionally, I encourage you to consider job-hopping, which could boost your income by 30% or more. This financial improvement could help alleviate some of the burdens you’re currently facing while providing you with greater opportunities in your career.

Before making any decisions about your marriage, consider discussing your feelings and the realities of your situation openly with her. It’s possible that together you can find a way forward that doesn’t involve divorce but instead strengthens your bond through mutual understanding and shared responsibility.

Whatever you decide, remember to take care of yourself during this challenging time. Prioritize your mental well-being and seek support from those around you, whether through friends, family, or professionals.

I wish you clarity and strength as you navigate this difficult period.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

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Navigating marriage and hidden illness

Explore Alex's heartfelt journey through love, trust, and the challenges of financial responsibility in a difficult situation.

Question from Mr. Alex:

Hi GC,

Your bold advice is appreciated.

Alex.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mr. Alex,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with GC. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing right now. It’s understandable to feel a mix of anger, frustration, and concern in light of the challenges you’re facing in your marriage.

Your feelings are valid, especially considering the unexpected burden this has placed on you. It’s critical to recognize that honesty is a cornerstone of any relationship, and your wife’s decision to withhold this information has understandably shaken the trust between you.

Additionally, I encourage you to consider job-hopping, which could boost your income by 30% or more. This financial improvement could help alleviate some of the burdens you’re currently facing while providing you with greater opportunities in your career.

Whatever you decide, remember to take care of yourself during this challenging time. Prioritize your mental well-being and seek support from those around you, whether through friends, family, or professionals.

I wish you clarity and strength as you navigate this difficult period.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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