22.09.2024

Navigating marital challenges with a third party interference

Discover how to manage marital challenges when third parties, such as best friends, interfere. Learn about the importance of privacy in relationships and when to seek external guidance to resolve or end toxic situations.

Steve Smith (left) and Marilyn Monroe stand next to each other during a party at the home of movie executive Arthur Krim on May 19, 1962.

Cecil Stoughton/AP/Shutterstock

Question from Mr. Zack:

Dear GC,

Assalamualaikum and a very good sunday morning to you. May this email finds you well. I'd like to seek your esteemed advice on a delicate situation. Do you think that a wife should share household issues with her best friends? I believe as a muslim, the Quran says a woman should never divulge marital problems to anyone including family members. It should be private but you know most women would never follow that. Even the great mufti menk have said this repeatedly but no one follows. I am under a lot of stress because my wife loves to share problems with 3 of her best friends. I have been married for 2 years and my wife and I have a lot of compatibility issues that we would fight frequently at home and she would share those personal problems with 3 of her best friends. Last week, I got back from work and found that her 3 best friends were at our home, waiting to confront me. I got ganged up right after work. All the cussing and all the vulgar words they threw at me, could be heard by our next door neighbors. You know how women are with their high pitch voices right. Our condo management received complaints of noises that were coming from my unit. It was not just embarrassing but extremely taxing on me. I have filed for divorce but it seems that I need to manage 4 women now because her 3 best friends are constantly spewing hate messages to my whatsapp. I have blocked them and that aggravated them. So they put up a photo of me on their social media just to get all their friends to insult me and to destroy my reputation. One of my colleagues is on their friend list and he showed me the post. They make it like I am at fault here. I have never beaten my wife, I have never cheated on her, it is just that we do not see eye to eye on almost everything. We fought a lot (verbally) until we treated each other with coldness. We no longer talk despite living in the same house. The minute she brought her 3 best friends into the condo and ganged up on me, I immediately said to myself I need to end this marriage because it is killing me with insurmountable stress. Her 3 best friends are blaming me for this? The irony is that one of her best friends is also a divorcee so she should be able to understand this! If you were in my position GC, how would you manage this when you have a 3rd party interfering with your marital affairs? Not just 1 third party but 3 very emotional 3rd parties who would side her no matter what! I have read that we need to be extremely careful when selecting a partner, I wonder if we should include "relationship with best friend" into the list. If she shares everything with her best friend, that could be seen as a red flag. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Dear Mr. Zack,

Thank you for reaching out to us. We truly appreciate your trust in seeking our advice during such a challenging and emotionally taxing time.

Marriage is indeed a sacred bond, and its core purpose is to 'complete' each other, not to 'compete' against one another. When faced with disagreements or compatibility issues, it is essential that both husband and wife work together privately to resolve these matters, rather than involving external parties who may unintentionally add more stress or bias to the situation.

While I understand your concern about your wife sharing personal problems with her best friends, it is important to remember that many people turn to friends for support, especially during tough times. However, it is unfortunate when this support crosses boundaries, as you have experienced with the confrontation in your home. Such interference not only undermines the sanctity of your relationship but can also exacerbate the conflicts between you and your wife.

In Islam, maintaining privacy within a marriage is indeed highly valued. If all attempts to reconcile and communicate privately between you and your wife have failed, it may be beneficial to seek external guidance through proper channels, such as your local Pejabat Agama. Their role is to provide both parties with objective and Islamic guidance, and they can facilitate conversations that might help restore the peace and understanding in your marriage. Sometimes, seeking professional counseling through religious means can be a better path than allowing emotions to escalate.

That being said, if the relationship has become too toxic and all solutions seem to have failed, letting go might be a more peaceful option for both of you. Prolonging a marriage filled with stress and negativity can damage not only both of you emotionally but can also strain your spiritual and mental well-being.

I would also encourage you to address the situation with your wife regarding the negative social media posts. It is crucial to protect your dignity and reputation, especially in a public forum, and to communicate your concerns calmly and rationally.

May God ease your burdens and guide you to make the best decisions for your well-being and peace of mind.

Wishing you strength and clarity during this difficult time.

With gratitude and respect,

The Gentleman

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