Marital pressure & men's health: Why financial planning before marriage matters

Henry Golding and Liv Lo Golding (photo for illustration only)

Photo credit: Henry Golding/Instagram

Editorial Disclaimer

In line with GC’s Editorial Policy (No. 6: Guidance on Personal Development), we are committed to elevating the role of men in society while honoring women through thoughtful discussions on etiquette, personal growth, and societal roles. We do not publish content that delves into the issues of marriage or divorce.

However, this article is published in the spirit of pre-marital planning and financial preparedness—critical aspects of a gentleman’s personal development and self-mastery before making a lifelong commitment. This piece is not intended to address or comment on post-marital disputes or relationship breakdowns.

Letter from Fran. Cho

Good morning GC,

My name is Fran. I am a part time couples therapist in one of the psychological services in Klang Valley. I also work in one of the hospitals in the area in the psychology department. I am writing to you today to share with you an area which might pique your interest as it involves hypertension particularly married men. Most of my customers are Chinese because I believe other races will have their own preferred counselor nonetheless, the issues are more or less identical.

Pre Marital Financial Planning

For husbands-to-be or those intend to settle down, the general rule of thumb is, you must have 25-30% savings from the Net Pay. What mistakes most men do is the 25-30% savings does not include costs when settling down. Today you can save 25-30% because you only pay for your dates. There are no big commitments yet. But day 1 of your marriage, you are going to inherit some big depths, some may even surprise you. So please discuss with your future bride what is expected.

Why am I highlighting this? 90% of our male customers have never discussed this with their future bride. Every day we have hundreds of couples walking into our center because of relationship trouble that they cannot tolerate any more due to financial constraints. They think that they can manage it as the situation unfolds which is wrong. They think when they are on deficit, they can start applying jobs to bring up their salary which personally to me is poor decision making (I will explain this in the next paragraph). The problem here is that most men think they can weather the storm and find alternatives to foot the bill. They seem to be ingrained with the idea that they are being a gentleman by taking care of the bill due to some chivalric code, dating back to medieval Europe. Unfortunately for many, that chivalric code does not apply in today's era unless you are truly rich.

Never Underestimate the Honey Moon Phase

95% of my customers think honey moon phase (Year 1 - Year 3) means a relaxing stage where you get to know learn about your partner. I disagree. This stage is most challenging because you are learning a lot about what you never knew about your partner in terms of attitude, communication, anger, demands, families, etc. This is the stage where you assess your tolerance level with your partner. If you are already thinking of finding a new job, you are adding a new set of challenge on top of learning about your new wife, you will need to learn about your new job and expectations for a newly hired person are always high.

Imagine the stress if you can't tolerate some of the behaviors you have discovered from your partner and on top of that you are swamped with work that requires you to create a first impression. New hires will be the dumping ground for any work because you are on probation and you can't say No or take leave. You are monitored and at times you will need to stay back and work to impress your new employees. All these expectations and deliverables will take a serious toll on your mental health.

During your pre-marital stage, plan out your expenses. If you no longer can save 25-30% of your nett pay, postpone the marriage. Find a new job, settle down into your new job for a year or 2 then only get married. If the girl loves you, she will understand that you need to wait to get financial freedom and not find another man.

The Traditional Lady is almost a Myth

Every man's dream is to find a traditional lady. I can say all my customers come to me because they thought their wife would turn into a traditional lady. I tell them that is almost a myth (except some in Japan and countries like Pakistan). Women now have far more opportunities in education, careers, and personal independence so they no longer root for traditional domestic roles. We are seeing a shift towards gender equality.

It also raises an important question if we are heading towards gender equality, why are men still paying for almost everything yet they need to manage a wife who no longer holds the traditional values? A very tough question that even I do not have the answers. It's like saying men still provide like it's 1950's but women lead in 2025. Why women can change history but not men? Because women today have a voice in society and their voices are often heard.

Anticipate Women Power

An area where every man I have consulted, would never agree with this. Why? According to history, all men were born as leaders so why do women feel that they too want to be leaders and rewrite history? Because women today have access to education, rights, & opportunities, so we are seeing more women stepping into leadership roles. The downside of this is that when women slowly become leaders, their communication towards their spouse / men feel more confrontational, dismissive, or even disrespectful. They are also aware of the existence of certain strains of feminism which have amplified hostility toward men. Naturally, a woman would listen to another woman's voice due to strong sisterhood and shared experience (historically they were oppressed by men). So other women tend to become more cautious, more guarded by this and would lead them into "boss babe" mentality. A "boss babe" mentality is where when a woman stands her ground, she would come off as overly controlling, even disrespectful with general and sexist remarks like "I don't need a man", "Men are useless", "Men are trash", which can cause men to react in a physical manner as they are not used to women disagreeing openly or standing their ground in such a way. I understand if the man would react like that because It’s not their fault but they are catching the blowback.

There is also selective empowerment whereby women want modern benefits (freedom, leadership roles) but traditional privileges are still imposed on men (men pays everything) which are seen as a serious resentment toward men.

Perform Periodic Medical Checkup

For married men, please, do get periodic medical checkup because in a marriage, men tend to sacrifice almost everything, from paying to driving to spending time with the wife - a man has less to no "me" time than a woman. So look out for hypertension and mental health. 90% of the married men who came to me have some form of hypertension (stage 2). There had been some men with hypertensive crisis which had required an immediate doctor's attention because they cannot cope with the pressure of supporting a very demanding wife. Hypertension can lead to stroke so please do not take this lightly. Most men think they can handle the pressure, they think they can take it slow and steady but that is what their mind tells them, but their body just can't so eventually the after-effect starts taking its toll. They tend to age fast. They lost their appetite, they get angrier more often, they no longer look physically healthy. Hypertension and psychological treatment require money too, so please allocate a budget for your own health.

Never Spent everything to please a lady

This is what many men wrestle with in silence. They pay everything for the wife and nothing for them. This is a wrong concept. A real provider doesn’t give it all away. If your wife or partner truly loves and respects you, she won’t want you to empty yourself for her. I have a lot of cases where men would spend everything for their wife and they have nothing for them, not even to get their own hair cut. Some men would resort to borrowing money from close friends or relatives or siblings or even parents. A man should have money for his own self, buy himself some clothes or a new game or attend classes for self-development. What matters most is your own health, then your mother and your wife. 80% of my customers came to me feeling all rage because their wives left them after they had given them everything and nothing for them. They didn't even have the money to buy new clothes or even shoes.

Always bear in mind that a wife can walk out the door anytime and there goes all the money you have given her. Money and women don't go hand in hand. They can't appreciate money like how a man does. You give a woman RM 10,000 today; she would be extremely happy and would kiss you on the cheek. Give it a week, she would forget the whole thing and ask you to bring her out and spend her. So please, allocate money for yourself and don't spend everything to please your wife.

It is okay to be single until you are ready

Don't force yourself to marry because everybody seems to be doing it. If you don't have the money, don't pursue marriage. Look at the data on the internet. Marriage rates worldwide are dropping significantly because men just can't afford, others because of the decline of traditional roles, while others due to emotionally and financially devastation. In the U.S alone, 70% of marriage ends up in a divorce. If you are married but you are in a depression and your health is on the line, seek medical help otherwise just walk out of the marriage. No one should stay in a marriage that destroys one's health.

Bottom line is, in a world still adjusting to equality and complex demands, that shift can feel like a power grab for men expecting certain expectations from a woman which is why planning is very important. Don't expect to settle down because you think you can change a woman. Have a proper financial consultant to determine if you are ready to get married. Remember that there are a lot of financial surprises when you settle down. I have had men telling me that their commitment skyrocketed because they become the dumping ground for all their wives' commitments pre-marriage (student loans, insurance, historical speed summons, court fines, credit card fines etc.) which was never discussed before they tied the knot. Some husband had to pay for the wife's car (e.g. Honda CRZ) loan the first day they got married. Imagine an insurmountable pressure being put on your head the minute you tie the knot. Be very careful guys. Do not fall into this trap.

As a men's publication like GC, I strongly believe there should be some awareness on this because all these issues I have raised, are happening in front of my eyes and it has affected a lot of men. Some of these cases could lead to health issues and can lead to death if it is not handled properly. Marital pressure is no joke.

Thank you for reading and hope this message gives you some clarity on what men out there are facing.

Fran.