15.12.2024

Financial struggles after marriage: A reader's plea for solutions to overcome deficit

A 28-year-old reader seeks advice on managing financial strain after marriage, balancing family commitments, and tackling a monthly deficit. Is there a way to fast-track income and save his future?

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Letter from Mohd H.

Dear GC,

I went through your Ask The Gent section but I think my situation here is a bit more complicated which I would like to seek your advice on.

Allow me to introduce myself foremost, the name is Mohd H. I am a 28 year old credit officer who is working in a Bank. I got married early last year. I am quite a financial planner myself where I would track all my expenses in my own ledger file. My pre-marriage years, I was able to save around RM 2,000 to RM 3,000. I always strive to discipline myself from spending unnecessary things so occasionally, I could save slightly more than 3,000. Total saving means My Net Profit., having paid all my commitments as well as leisure.

My annual salary is RM 8.500. so before I got married here was my monthly commitment breakdown:

Salary = RM 8,000 (2023 salary)

Net Salary = RM 6,700 (minus EPF and Tax)

Home (condo) = RM 2,000 (with maintenance)

HP = RM 80

Insurance = RM 200

Netflix = RM 27

Petrol = RM 300

Groceries = RM 800

Leisure / Fun activity = RM 500

Total monthly Commitment = RM 3,907

Net Salary 6,700 - RM 3,907 = RM 2,793 (total saving monthly.) I was able to save 2500 - 3000 for the past 4 years. (I graduated at age 23, married at age 27)

After I got married, here is my new breakdown :

Salary = RM 8,300 (2024 salary)

Net Salary = RM 7,000 (minus EPF and Tax)

Home (condo) = RM 2,000 (with maintenance)

Home (with wife) = RM 3,500) (with maintenance)

HP = RM 80

Insurance = RM 200

Netflix = RM 27

Petrol = RM 300

Groceries = RM 1200

Leisure / Fun activity = RM 1200

Total monthly Commitment = RM 8,507

Net Salary 7,000 - RM 8,507 = (1,507) Deficit

So for the year 2024, I have been running on a deficit (1,507 on average, per month). Once this month ends, I would be on a deficit of RM 1,507 * 12 = RM 18,804 which is worrisome.

One of the big chunk is that I need to pay for another apartment as my wife would not want to stay with my mother. My dad left us for another woman a decade ago so right now I am supporting my mother and my younger sister. We are a small family so I do not have any other brothers to help me financially. My wife and my mom cannot get along which is why she wanted me to stay at her apartment which I am now paying for.

In terms of work, I cannot find a new job because I was a scholar and I will need to serve in my company for 10 years otherwise I would need to pay back everything. My college fee is extremely expensive as I was studying in one of the UK universities. My younger sister has not completed her studies yet so she can't support / assist me with the commitments. My wife does not agree to pay for me as she says that this is a man's job. She claims that it is a man's duty as the leader to find money. Sometimes talk is easy. It is very disheartening hearing such a statement but I am really devastated with my life right now. If I keep going on with this, I would be leading to bankruptcy which would make things even worse as I will not be able to support not only my wife but my mom too.

I am already thinking of ending this marriage because it is putting a strain on me. I cannot stop thinking about my future. I was happy during my single life. I was able to save money. My wealth was increasing. Now that I am married, my wealth is on a huge decline heading towards bankruptcy. I can't invest because I need a lot of money to invest. I can't find a new job. My wife wouldn't want to share the financial burden. I can't get a financial assistant because I would need to pay a fee if I were to hire, which I can't afford anymore. My mom is 70 years old and I do not want her to feel worried. She is not working and she completely relies on me as the son. I am as dead as a door knob. I am already putting a date line if this continues until February, I would end this disastrous marriage once and for all. I did not foresee this happening.

But before I do that, I would like to hear your views on this. Is there a way to make money on a fast track? How can you assist me in this matter?

Thank you so much for the help and taking the time to read this.

H. Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mohd H.,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s clear that you are navigating an exceptionally difficult situation—one that demands not only financial discipline but emotional strength as well. We want to first acknowledge the resilience and foresight you have demonstrated. Tracking your expenses so meticulously and proactively seeking solutions is admirable, especially when burdened by responsibilities as a husband.

Let’s break this down into two key areas: increasing revenue and reducing cost, while addressing the emotional weight you are carrying.

1. Revenue Strategies

- Taking on a part-time job such as Grab or exploring dropshipping from platforms like Amazon or AliExpress, can provide short-term relief. While not immediately lucrative, they can serve as incremental income streams that chip away at your monthly cash flow deficit.

- Skill monetization: As a credit officer, you possess financial knowledge many could benefit from. Consider offering personal finance coaching or resume-building workshops online (even via platform like Fiverr). Position it as affordable “financial 101” support for young professionals.

- Tap into EPF Account 3 Flexibility: Desperate time require a desperate measure. Tap into your EPF Flexible account to boost your monthly cash flow. Do take note that you have to sacrifice some portions of your retirement money by tapping into this option.

2. Cost Management

We noticed your existing mortgage is somewhat higher for someone with your take home pay. We recommend you to negotiate with the bank to lower down the mortgage's monthly installment for the next few years (ideally not more than 3 years), as an effort to boost your cash flow.

To reduce your monthly grocery expenses, you can explore food subscription services such as yolofood or mejamakan. Yolofood tend to offer regular saving of 30%. We’d also recommend the following:

- Leisure Budget: Reduce your leisure/fun activity spending moderately, even temporarily. While this is important for mental well-being, prioritizing needs over wants is crucial right now.

- Wife’s Support: We understand this is a delicate matter, but marriage is a partnership, and financial burdens are best shared—even incrementally. While cultural norms sometimes place the financial duty solely on men, it’s essential to have an open, honest conversation with your wife. Frame it not as a demand, but as a plea for partnership during a tough time.

You have two options here:

1. Reduce a monthly pocket allowance to your wife temporarily; or

2. If she is working, contributing even a modest amount toward shared commitments can alleviate significant strain.

3. Emotional and Personal Perspective

It is deeply unfortunate that your father’s departure and your current financial commitment to your mother add such weight to your shoulders. This reflects not only your strength but your sense of responsibility as a son. That said, a marriage thrives on mutual care and understanding, not one-sided sacrifices. We urge you to speak to your wife again—calmly, clearly, and with vulnerability. Emphasize that this is not about questioning your role as a provider but about safeguarding both of your futures.

You mentioned you’ve set February as a timeline, and while the decision to leave a marriage is deeply personal, it should not be made hastily. Marriage counseling may offer some clarity if both parties are willing. If not, prioritizing your well-being—and your ability to support your family—should guide your path forward.

Final Thoughts

While there’s no “fast-track” to wealth, your ability to adapt and seek advice shows that you’re far from defeated. Take this one step at a time: small income boosts, reducing unnecessary spending, and prioritizing conversations with your wife. And above all, remind yourself that you are not alone. Many men face similar challenges, and reaching out—as you have—is a mark of strength, not weakness.

If you ever need further guidance, know that we are here to listen. Stay firm, stay hopeful, and trust that your efforts will lead you toward better days.

Wishing you strength and clarity,

The Gentleman

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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Financial struggles after marriage: A reader's plea for solutions to overcome deficit

A 28-year-old reader seeks advice on managing financial strain after marriage, balancing family commitments, and tackling a monthly deficit. Is there a way to fast-track income and save his future?

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Letter from Mohd H.

Dear GC,

I went through your Ask The Gent section but I think my situation here is a bit more complicated which I would like to seek your advice on.

My annual salary is RM 8.500. so before I got married here was my monthly commitment breakdown:

Salary = RM 8,000 (2023 salary)

Net Salary = RM 6,700 (minus EPF and Tax)

Home (condo) = RM 2,000 (with maintenance)

HP = RM 80

Insurance = RM 200

Netflix = RM 27

Petrol = RM 300

Groceries = RM 800

Leisure / Fun activity = RM 500

Total monthly Commitment = RM 3,907

Net Salary 6,700 - RM 3,907 = RM 2,793 (total saving monthly.) I was able to save 2500 - 3000 for the past 4 years. (I graduated at age 23, married at age 27)

After I got married, here is my new breakdown :

Salary = RM 8,300 (2024 salary)

Net Salary = RM 7,000 (minus EPF and Tax)

Home (condo) = RM 2,000 (with maintenance)

Home (with wife) = RM 3,500) (with maintenance)

HP = RM 80

Insurance = RM 200

Netflix = RM 27

Petrol = RM 300

Groceries = RM 1200

Leisure / Fun activity = RM 1200

Total monthly Commitment = RM 8,507

Net Salary 7,000 - RM 8,507 = (1,507) Deficit

So for the year 2024, I have been running on a deficit (1,507 on average, per month). Once this month ends, I would be on a deficit of RM 1,507 * 12 = RM 18,804 which is worrisome.

But before I do that, I would like to hear your views on this. Is there a way to make money on a fast track? How can you assist me in this matter?

Thank you so much for the help and taking the time to read this.

H.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Mohd H.,

Let’s break this down into two key areas: increasing revenue and reducing cost, while addressing the emotional weight you are carrying.

1. Revenue Strategies

- Taking on a part-time job such as Grab or exploring dropshipping from platforms like Amazon or AliExpress, can provide short-term relief. While not immediately lucrative, they can serve as incremental income streams that chip away at your monthly cash flow deficit.

- Skill monetization: As a credit officer, you possess financial knowledge many could benefit from. Consider offering personal finance coaching or resume-building workshops online (even via platform like Fiverr). Position it as affordable “financial 101” support for young professionals.

- Tap into EPF Account 3 Flexibility: Desperate time require a desperate measure. Tap into your EPF Flexible account to boost your monthly cash flow. Do take note that you have to sacrifice some portions of your retirement money by tapping into this option.

2. Cost Management

We noticed your existing mortgage is somewhat higher for someone with your take home pay. We recommend you to negotiate with the bank to lower down the mortgage's monthly installment for the next few years (ideally not more than 3 years), as an effort to boost your cash flow.

To reduce your monthly grocery expenses, you can explore food subscription services such as yolofood or mejamakan. Yolofood tend to offer regular saving of 30%. We’d also recommend the following:

- Leisure Budget: Reduce your leisure/fun activity spending moderately, even temporarily. While this is important for mental well-being, prioritizing needs over wants is crucial right now.

You have two options here:

1. Reduce a monthly pocket allowance to your wife temporarily; or

2. If she is working, contributing even a modest amount toward shared commitments can alleviate significant strain.

3. Emotional and Personal Perspective

Final Thoughts

If you ever need further guidance, know that we are here to listen. Stay firm, stay hopeful, and trust that your efforts will lead you toward better days.

Wishing you strength and clarity,

The Gentleman

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman". Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing to: editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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