A soon-to-be PhD shares heartfelt advice on navigating marriage and divorce, encouraging men to embrace the journey of finding true compatibility. Discover how it's okay to not be okay and the importance of mental well-being.
Luna Maya dan Maxime Bouttier | Fimela
Question from Mr. S:
Gents,
Love your site and love your section on "Ask the Gentleman". It is very interesting to read some of the complaints, especially those traumatic marriage experiences which are very much in line with what is happening today. I must commend you for taking such a noble act to lend an ear to hear some of these ordeals by our fellow men which is something I do not find in other publications. As someone who is working and pursuing a PhD in psychology (soon-to-be doctor), I find your advice to them inspiring and motivational. Keep it up.
Since the complaints on marriage are overwhelming, I'd like to suggest to GC to publish a write-up on the main site to tell them that it's perfectly fine to be in such a situation, so that the readers know that what they are going through is normal and also to control the influx of complaints on this area. What we should educate them is that marriage is just another phase of getting to know the person a little bit more. The benefit of being a man is we have control of our marriage. Find a timeline to fix the situation. If it doesn't work out, be happy to walk out of it. There is no law that says you would be penalized or be imprisoned for ending your marriage. Not everyone is meant for each other. If everyone is meant for each other, trust me, there will not be any breakups / separation.
Think of it like Covid-19. Back in 2020, if you display one of the symptoms like cough and flu, people start staring at you like a walking dead. Today, if you display those symptoms, no one cares. It has become part of us, it has become a norm. Just like marriage, it is normal to dissolve the bonds of matrimony if it doesn't make you happy. It may have been perceived as a taboo back then. But it has now become a norm in society.
Being a muslim, we do have some limitations, unlike others where they would be able to stay together with their partner and assess their compatibility, we as a muslim can't do that because it is a sin for a man and woman to live together without the proper nuptials. To only get to know a person deeply is to get married. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Not everyone is compatible with each other. Think of this as a surviving test from the Almighty. If you can't do it, try to work it out, if it doesn't work out, end it in a good way. Don't let it eat inside of you until it disrupts your mental being because this can lead to serious health issues. It is not worth it.
I stand by the notion that there is always someone out there for every one of us men. The feeling will come if she is the ONE.
I am in my 3rd marriage, and this is the longest marriage I have been in (7 years and counting - Alhamdulillah) and I am proud to say that She is THE ONE. I did not feel this way with my first 2 marriages even though I knew them longer, but with this one, we just connect beautifully. The feeling is just different when she is the one.
Don't bother what stigma people have on you. I was seen as an irresponsible man because I was divorced twice. These are perceptions from others which we don't have control over. They are not in our shoes, so they will never understand. So don't hurt yourself by thinking about what people think of us. We cannot change what ppl say or think. Let them think what they want. As a man, make the decision for your own well being. your own future. We shouldn't give up on finding the right one unless we find that being solo brings more happiness. Don't be single just because you are traumatized by your last marriage or with what people would say. Divorce / Separation is just to show that we are all humans and we can't be compatible with everyone. That is the nature of being a human.
Keep fighting, keep searching, there is definitely someone out there for you. It is OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. Just to share some advice and experience from someone who went through 2 divorces and finally found the TRULY ONE AND ONLY.
Your sincerely,
S
