12.10.2025

Dear GC: My husband insists I seek his permission. Is that what a gentleman should do?

A newlywed writes to GC seeking clarity on whether a true gentleman should control or empower his wife. In this heartfelt letter, Suzi questions the meaning of permission, partnership, and respect in modern marriage.

GC illustration.
 

Dear GC,

Suzi here. I got your email from a google search and I would want to ask for your feedback on an issue I have with my husband.

We always argue on this so-called permissions that I need to obtain from him when I need to do things. Isn't it a gentleman to let the girl do the things she wants to do? We just got married 6 months ago and I never expected him to be so bossy. Inviting friends or even parties at the house, he demands permission because he claims he is the man of the house, pays for the house and he deserves to have a say on this. He even wants me to seek his permission first if I were to go out with my friends or see my parents. When it comes to what I want to wear, he also wants to have a say that this dress looks better on me, this don't etc. eh rimas la jantan ni!

I told him to go fly kite because I am not a servant and he is just a husband plus this is not 1950s. My grandfather does that to my grandmother but this is a new generation of women. Men should not dare to act like a boss and make us look like a servant. It now has gotten on my nerves that I have reached a tipping point that I just want to scream at him. This is not the life I expected.

Be honest with me, GC, do your wives seek your permission to go out from the house, to invite friends over, to have a party etc? Or do they just do it and just tell you so you have to automatically clear your schedule and be there for her, because that is what gentlemen are for right?

I did consult my circle of friends and all of them say they don't obtain any sort of permission from their husbands at all. If they feel like going out, they just go out and tell their husband on that day. If they feel like inviting someone, they just invite them and inform their husband someone is coming so they can clear their schedule.

I need to know your views from a man, so I have a point when I deal with him.

Sorry to disturb your sunday morning.

Suzi

Answer by The Gent:

Hi Suzi,

Thank you for reaching out and trusting GC with such a personal matter.

We understand you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, and we can hear the frustration in your words. However, we need to be honest with you: what you're experiencing goes far beyond what an advice column can address.

You've framed this as a generational issue - old values versus new freedoms. But we'd suggest the real question isn't about which generation is right. It's about something more fundamental: can two people build something that lasts without mutual respect and some form of order in their household?

Every enduring partnership - whether it's a marriage, a business, or a friendship - requires both parties to honour certain principles. Not because tradition demands it, but because without these foundations, harmony becomes impossible. When each person insists only on their own perspective, when ego takes the front seat, even relationships built on genuine love can quietly crumble.

You mention your grandfather's generation and contrast it with yours. What often gets lost in these comparisons is this: both the old and the new can miss the mark. The older model sometimes lacked equality; the newer one sometimes lacks accountability. True partnership requires both, with mutual respect flowing in both directions, with each person honouring the other's role and contribution.

What concerns us is that you're seeking our opinion as "a man's view" to use as a potential ammunition in your arguments. But marriage isn't about collecting evidence to prove who's right. Even if we told you exactly what you wanted to hear, it wouldn't address what's actually broken: the way you and your husband are communicating with each other.

Six months into marriage, you're already at a breaking point. That's a signal that something deeper needs attention - not validation from outsiders, but genuine understanding between partners. When communication breaks down this severely, when every decision becomes a battleground, it's not about permissions or parties anymore. It's about whether two people can find a way to move forward together with grace and mutual respect.

You mention your friends who simply inform their husbands on the day itself, never seeking any input beforehand. But let us ask you something from a different angle: if you were a mother, and your beloved son or daughter simply left the house without telling you where they were going, who they were with, or when they'd return - how would that make you feel? Would you not worry about their safety? Would you not want to know they were secure? This isn't about control; it's about care.

Your friends' marriages operate one way, your grandparents' another. But what matters is finding what works for YOUR marriage - and that requires both of you to set aside the need to win and focus instead on understanding.

The question isn't whether wives should seek permission or whether husbands are being bossy. The question is: can two people who chose each other find a way to honour that choice with respect?

We wish you wisdom and peace as you work through this.

 

Warm regards,

The Gent

 

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