01.06.2025

Can I be a gentleman in KL’s flashy, show-off culture?

A heartfelt letter from a man exploring what it means to be a true gentleman in today’s flashy, social-media-driven Kuala Lumpur. A quiet rebellion against the noise.

Photo credit: Carlos Saintz Jr.

 

Letter from Joe H.

 

Dear GC,

It was a Friday night, and I was waiting for a friend at a bar in Bukit Damansara. Nothing too fancy, just one of those places where the music isn’t too loud and the lighting is dim enough to hide the city’s noise. I had on a navy blazer, linen shirt, loafers. Nothing loud, nothing branded. Just the way I like it—quiet, proper.

I got a few stares. Not the good kind. One guy brushed past and muttered, “Bro, chill la. Overdressed ke?”

That’s the thing. In KL these days, if you look like you give a damn, people think you’re either trying too hard or trying to be someone you’re not. You show manners, and people think you’re pretending. You speak English too fluently, they say you forgot your roots. You dress neatly, and someone’s bound to throw in a “bajet Mat Salleh.”

It’s a weird space to be in. I wasn’t raised rich. My father was a lecturer, and he always said, “Bila kita berbahasa, orang akan berbudi.” Maybe that stuck. I’m not trying to be "old money"—I’m just trying to be decent.

But in this city, decency isn’t enough. It’s not even noticed. The loud get ahead. The ones who shout, show, tag, flex, and flash. You see it on every street, every café, every Raya open house. It’s always a competition: who’s louder, shinier, more viral.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now: can a gentleman even exist in KL anymore? I don’t mean the kind that quotes Hemingway or smokes cigars in private lounges. I mean the kind who shows up on time, who listens more than he speaks, who doesn’t need to film his every act of kindness.

A man who moves with quiet confidence. Who respect his father and grandfather. Who doesn’t need to prove anything—but still distinctive, not because he’s loud, but because he’s grounded.

KL doesn’t seem to reward that man anymore.

But maybe, just maybe, we write letters like this to remind ourselves that he still exists. Somewhere between the flash and the filter, the noise and the nonsense; he’s still here.

Trying.

Sincerely,

Joe

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Joe,

Thank you for your letter—and more importantly, for your honesty.

In a city increasingly governed by spectacle and speed, your words land like a deep breath in the middle of a storm. What you described isn’t just a personal observation; it’s a quiet truth many feel but struggle to articulate. And you’ve done so with grace.

You ask: Can a gentleman still exist in KL’s flashy culture?
And the answer, we believe, is yes—but not in the way we’ve been conditioned to measure existence.

You see, the path of becoming a gentleman was never about being seen. It was never designed for the stage, the algorithm, or the applause. It’s not a costume you put on to gain approval, nor is it a lifestyle curated for others to consume. Being a gentleman is a noble pursuit—a journey inward, not a performance outward.

It is, at its essence, a spiritual act.
Sometimes physical, when you rise early, dress with intention, hold the door open.
Sometimes intellectual, when you listen before you speak, read to understand, or walk away from empty debates.
But always—it is deeply personal. A code you carry quietly through the world, even when no one is watching.

The discomfort you feel, Joe, is the tension between that inner code and a society caught in the rush of the attention economy. But don’t confuse that tension with failure. You’re not out of place—you’re simply playing a longer legacy. A quieter one. One not ruled by dopamine hits or digital validation.

There are still others like you. Men who believe that quiet confidence is strength, that dignity is not for sale, and that respect, once earned, is never loud. They may not go viral, but they’re building legacies that last longer than trends or popularity.

So no, the culture may not reward the gentleman anymore. But the gentleman does not live for reward.

He lives by a code.

He does not flex. He cultivates. He does not follow. He stands. And when he walks into a room, he doesn't demand attention. But people feel it—something steady, something grounded, something rare.

That’s you, Joe. And others like you.

The world may not notice. But your father would. And your son will.

So here’s the deeper question we leave you with:

If being a gentleman means being invisible in a loud world—would you still choose to be one?

 

Yours in honour,

The Gent

RELATED READING: Are you a 'Poyo' or a Gentleman? A checklist

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Please note:

1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence, race and religion topics, or hate speech.

3. If you are writing on behalf of an institution, organisation, or formal body and wish to submit a letter to GC, we kindly request that you provide reasonable proof of your affiliation or existence. This helps us maintain the integrity of all correspondence.

Thank you for your understanding.

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