Are gentlemanly values outdated? A 28-year-old woman challenges the modern gentleman

Dear GC,
My name is Saliha. I am a 28-year-old strategic analyst. I have been wanting to write to you for almost a year, but time was never on my side. I first learned about GC through a friend who was unhappy with the publication, particularly with how you define what it means to be a gentleman.

I believe modern women are not simply looking for a provider or protector. Those may be responsibilities within a relationship, but they are not the entirety of what women expect from a modern man. Women today also expect partnership, emotional maturity, respect, communication and equality. If a man cannot meet those expectations, he should reconsider whether he is ready to offer marriage. One issue I see among some modern men is the expectation that traditional roles give them authority over women. They believe that, as husbands, they have the right to educate, mould or expect unquestioning obedience from their wives. To many women today, that idea is archaic.

This is where I have concerns about GC.

You continue to promote traditional values and traditional ideas of gentlemanhood. There is nothing inherently wrong with tradition. But tradition should not become an excuse for controlling behaviour or outdated expectations within modern relationships.

My concern is that some men may read GC's content and interpret your message as validation that traditional gender roles should still determine how a modern relationship works. Instead of addressing the tension between tradition and modern relationships, GC can sometimes appear to reinforce it. I also wonder whether GC sometimes assumes that modern women will automatically be impressed by traditional displays of masculinity. I don't believe that is necessarily true.

Many women today are looking for men who can be protective without being controlling, traditional without being rigid, confident without being domineering, and masculine without believing that masculinity gives them authority over women.

That, to me, would be a much more compelling definition of a modern gentleman.

I am writing this not because I dislike GC, but because I think a publication that wants to influence how men conduct themselves should be willing to hear criticism from the women who are ultimately affected by those values.

If GC genuinely wants to represent the gentleman of the modern era, perhaps the question is not whether traditional values should disappear.

The question is: which traditional values are still worth preserving, and which ones should we have the courage to leave behind?
My feedback is offered for your consideration.

Regards,
Saliha

Answer by The Gent:

Dear Saliha,

What a joy to receive a letter like yours. It is wonderful, when a reader takes the time to think this carefully about something we care so much about. We read it twice, smiling at the seriousness of it, and we want to answer in the same spirit you wrote in.

You have asked a lovely question, really. When we speak of tradition, do we mean control, or do we mean something else entirely?

Here is our answer, gladly given.

We believe what we stand for goes deeper than tradition. We believe it is kemuliaan (noble) - Noblesse Oblige, Elegance, High Culture, Chivalry, Etiquette.

Tradition is a custom. It shifts by region, by generation, and it remains open to debate. Nobility is different. It asks what the elevated of a man looks like, always. That is a joyful standard to hold, because it stays true through every season and invites a man toward his refined self.

So let us say plainly, and happily, what we believe.

A man honours a woman, always and completely. Real chivalrous shows itself in gentleness, in patience, in the discipline to protect rather than harm. A real man understands this instinctively, and lives it as a matter of honour.

Our Editor-at-Large YM Tunku Sophia recently wrote an article and said that The best of a man is measured by how well he treats his wife. We wholeheartedly agree on this. His status, his watch, his impeccably tailored suit in public matter far less than what happens at home, where only love is watching. A man who charms the room and offers his truest warmth to his wife has grasped the entire point of being a gentleman.

We believe this is a value that stays exactly as it is, timeless rather than trendy, a principle that has always been true and always will be. This is what chivalry has always meant to us: devotion freely given, a joy in earning a woman's respect every single day.

You are right that a good principle deserves careful hands. A publication can believe something wonderful and still, here and there, fall short of showing it clearly. When that happens, we are grateful for readers like you who offer such grace in pointing the way forward. Your letter is a gift in that sense, and we intend to treat it as one, by looking again, page by page, at how fully we live up to what we say we believe.

You asked which values are worth keeping and which we should leave behind with courage. Here is our joyful answer: we hold men to something far more delightful than old custom, protection paired with tenderness, confidence paired with humility, and the simple, happy truth that a man is best known by how he treats the woman he loves.

Thank you, truly, for writing to us. Letters like yours make GC better.

Warm regards,

The Gent

Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

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