25.05.2025

Am I too cultured for my own people - or just a mirror they’d rather not see?

A poignant letter from reader Rafiq reflects on the loneliness of pursuing refinement, values, and gentlemanly ideals in modern Asian society. A reminder that culture and class can coexist with authenticity.

Photo credit: Mr. Porter.

 

Letter from Rafiq.

 

Dear GC,

First of all, I want to say thank you for creating GC. It is rare to come across an Asian platform that speaks about manhood, class, values, and refinement with such depth. Most of the time, these kinds of conversations come from the West - but here, you’ve brought it into our own language, culture, and context. I read your articles not just with interest, but with a kind of relief. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

I am writing this letter because lately, I’ve been asking myself a hard question: “Am I too cultured for my own people?” I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I’m just saying I see the world a bit differently, and it often makes me feel like an outsider among my own circle.

I grew up in a small town, but I’ve travelled, studied abroad, and developed a taste for literature, classical music, tailored clothes, and deep conversations. I try to live with substance, think before I speak, and carry myself with purpose. I avoid gossip, I read more than I scroll, and I try to bring manners into everyday life; not to show off, but because I believe in values.

But here’s the problem. The more I grow this way, the more I feel judged by my own people. Some say I’m trying to be “mat salleh.” Others joke that I’m acting like an “elitist.” A few even say I’ve lost touch with my roots. It hurts, because I still eat with my hands, say “Salam” to elders, and carry my late father’s values with pride. I love my culture. I just wish it loved me back.

Sometimes I wonder if the real issue is not that I’m too cultured, but that I remind people of something they’re afraid to become. Maybe it’s easier to mock refinement than to aim for it. Maybe by pursuing a path to become a refined person, in this time and place, makes you a mirror - and people don’t always like what they see.

That’s why I read GC . You remind me that being well-dressed, well-read, and well-lived is not outdated - it’s a path to excellence . You help me stay on course. I may never be fully understood by those around me, but I don’t need to change who I am. I just need to walk with grace.

Thank you for creating a space for men like us. Please keep writing, because some of us are reading in silence - and holding on.

Warm regards,

Rafiq

Answer by The Gentleman:

Hi Rafiq,

Thank you for your eloquent and moving letter.

Your words reached us not just as readers of your experience, but as fellow travellers along this often-lonely road of refinement. Here at GC, we don’t take lightly the privilege of speaking to the hearts and minds of men who, like you, choose depth over noise, and grace over conformity.

You asked a painful question: “Am I too cultured for my own people?” But allow us to offer a philosophical perspective - one famously voiced by George Bernard Shaw:

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”

In that sense, Rafiq, your quiet resistance to the ordinary - your ambition to raising the bar - is not arrogance. It is progress. And that kind of progress has always been lonely. You are not too cultured for your people; you are simply unreasonable enough to dream of a better one.

The mirror metaphor in your letter struck a chord. Often, what is rejected is not the man - but the discomfort he awakens in others. A man of substance unsettles those who have chosen the path of least resistance. But be gentle with them. Not all are ready for their reflection.

Still, one must be wise about whom he chooses to journey with.

As the saying goes, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Choose your circle with great care. Seek those who don’t scoff at your ideals, but sharpen them. Surround yourself with men and women of growth hunger. Not just for companionship - but for your own becoming.

Because here’s the quiet truth: values decay in isolation, but they flourish in aligned company.

And when your journey feels invisible or uncelebrated, remember these immortal words from Robert F. Kennedy:

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

Let this ripple of yours be counted among them. What you carry, Rafiq, is not a betrayal of culture - but its deeper preservation. Yours is a life lived with conviction, and for that, the world - though it may not say it - owes you gratitude.

Please keep walking with grace, and know that you are not walking alone. Every man who dares to uphold values in an age of irony is building the kind of world our sons and daughters might one day thank us for.

Your letter will remain with us for a long time. And yes - we will keep writing for a man of caliber like you. Thank you for reminding us why.

 

With gratitude,

The Gent

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Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Please note:

1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence or hate speech.

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