A woman challenges GC on debt, marriage, cheating and what it means to be a true gentleman

Dear GC,
I got your contact from an acquaintance of mine. I'd like to praise your bravery for standing up for men with your strong disclaimer:

"The best of a man is measured by how well he treats his wife."

But I'd like you to articulate further on this because men today are, in many small and large ways, disrespectful toward their wives and girlfriends.

The most obvious area is financial stress. This is 2026. Things are expensive, and if a man wants a female companion, he has to really provide. Men are poor planners, especially once married, and they are not proactive about it. A modern woman needs yoga, pilates, good sport shoes, mileage for driving and travel, spa and massage for her mental wellness, nails done, gym classes for lasting health. A man needs to plan for all of this. You don't marry a woman blindly without expecting these essentials. Men love to romanticise "perempuan zaman dulu" as more understanding, forgetting that zaman dulu didn't have yoga classes or spas either.

Are men expected to have debt after getting married? Of course. Set the expectations right: a man will end up with credit card debt, and that's normal. Ask any married man with a credit card and every one of them carries some. If you live with a woman, you will have debt. It's part and parcel of being with a woman in the same house.

Men also complain they don't have a life after marriage, when the entire point of marriage is to build a life with the woman. A man's life is meant to revolve around his woman. He protects her financially and physically, which means he may end up with nothing left over for himself, because that's the sacrifice marriage asks of him. Men complain they can't go to football matches anymore, or buy a watch that costs a few thousand ringgit. That's expected. A man is supposed to spend for his girl and give the ultimate financial sacrifice. This isn't marriage from the 60s, where the man controlled his life and his wife waited at home. Those old rules where a wife obeying her husband worked for your grandfather's generation. They don't work with a modern woman.

Modern women have changed for the good, and a man shouldn't expect a woman to be soft or endlessly feminine. We speak up when we need to not to preserve femininity, but to stand up against our bullies. A lot of men still want a woman who stays quiet and only speaks when spoken to. That's a form of oppression. A man who tells a woman to talk softly and sit properly is not a gentleman. He's an oppressor. A real gentleman welcomes gender equality. If your woman is loud or controlling, be a gentleman and accept her as she is. Most modern women are controlling, if we're honest. Give it ten years and every woman will be. There's research on this too.

One more thing GC needs to say plainly: a cheater is a cheater, and it doesn't require physical touch or a physical meetup. A like on another woman's photo, or posing with another woman, is cheating. I notice plenty of women flag this on social media and most men brush it off as "not infidelity." It is. If you can't accept that, you don't know how to treat a woman, and you don't deserve to be called the best of men. You make her feel sad and betrayed.

I have more to say, but I'll leave it here for now, in the hope that GC takes these points seriously and articulates them for the men who read your publication so a man knows how to be a gentleman by treating a woman the way she deserves.

Best regards,

Farzana

Answer by The Gent:

Dear Farzana,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, and especially for sharing your thoughts so openly. We genuinely appreciate the feedback. Your letter raises several important questions about what it means to be a gentleman in a modern marriage, and we believe these are conversations worth having.

You asked us to articulate further on our belief that “the best of a man is measured by how well he treats his wife.” We have explored this idea in greater depth in our article, “Unpopular Opinion: The Real Status Symbol Isn’t on Your Wrist. It’s This.” At its heart, our view is rather simple: a man's character is ultimately revealed not by what he owns or how impressive he appears to the world, but by how he treats the woman who has entrusted her life to him.

A gentleman should honour a woman. He should make her feel respected, protected, valued and secure. He should not diminish her voice simply because she is his wife, nor should he confuse authority with control. We agree with you that gentlemanliness should never be an excuse for suppressing a woman's personality, opinions or independence.

There is, however, an important principle from the tradition of chivalry that we believe is sometimes forgotten today: chivalric codes of conduct travelled on a two-way street.

The gentleman cannot exist without the lady, and vice versa.

Both were expected to adhere to certain standards in order for the chivalric exchange to exist. The gentleman had his obligations such as courage, protection, generosity, honour, courtesy and responsibility. The lady, equally, was expected to embody her own virtues such as grace, dignity, modesty, loyalty and consideration.

In that sense, the gentleman and the lady are rather like yin and yang. They are different, complementary forces, each giving meaning to the other.

This does not mean that a modern woman should be silent, submissive or without an opinion. Far from it. A woman is entitled to speak, disagree, challenge and assert herself. But we would argue that there remains a distinction between having a voice and losing one's grace.

There is an interesting reflection on this in our Ask the Gentleman article, “A Mother’s Heartfelt Plea for the Return of Grace in Modern Woman.” The women of our grandparents' generation were often raised with a particularly strong emphasis on modesty, composure, consideration and the dignity of one's conduct. They may have expressed themselves differently from many women today, but the underlying idea was not necessarily weakness. It was that one's freedom of expression did not have to come at the expense of one's grace.

Perhaps that is something worth preserving even as society changes.

The modern lady does not need to be quiet to be graceful. She does not need to surrender her independence to be feminine. She does not need to agree with a man to be a lady.

Likewise, the modern gentleman does not need his wife to be submissive in order to feel like a man.

Both can have opinions. Both can disagree. But both should still know how to treat the other with dignity.

On the question of provision and financial responsibility, we absolutely agree that a man should take financial responsibility seriously when building a marriage. There are forms of debt that can be understood as part of establishing a household such as a home that provides shelter and security, or transportation that enables a family to live and function. These are commitments undertaken in the building of a life together.

But we would hesitate to normalise debt as simply “part and parcel” of marriage.

A gentleman should aspire to provide, but he should also aspire to provide wisely. Financial irresponsibility can eventually undermine the very security that a man intends to give his family. A marriage should not become a downward spiral in which ever-increasing desires are financed by ever-increasing debt.

There is an old lesson in the story of the Garden of Eden: desire, by itself, is never enough. Even something as simple as an apple became a symbol of what happens when desire is allowed to overcome wisdom and restraint.

The same principle applies to modern marriage. A woman deserves beautiful things, experiences, comfort and the freedom to pursue her interests. But a healthy marriage also requires both husband and wife to distinguish between what they desire and what they can responsibly sustain.

And this is where we would perhaps slightly reframe your observation that a man's life should revolve around his woman.

Marriage should certainly change a man's life. A man cannot reasonably expect to maintain exactly the same bachelor lifestyle after marriage and simply add a wife to it. As one wise old man once put it:

“Son, if you normalise a bachelor lifestyle after getting married, be ready to be single again.”

We think there is considerable wisdom in that.

Marriage requires sacrifice. It requires adjustment. It requires a man to understand that his decisions now affect another person and, eventually, perhaps an entire family. He may have to reconsider how he spends his money, his time, his attention and even his ambitions.

But sacrifice should not mean the disappearance of the self. A strong marriage is not one in which a man has nothing left for himself; it is one in which both husband and wife willingly build something greater than either could have built alone.

On the question of likes, photographs and what constitutes cheating, we would again make a distinction.

We completely understand your point that seemingly insignificant online behaviour can deeply hurt a partner. Emotional loyalty matters, and something that appears trivial to one person can feel profoundly disrespectful to another.

However, we don't believe there is a universal rule that a like on another person's photograph, or posing for a photograph with another woman, automatically constitutes infidelity. Different couples have different boundaries. Some may regard such behaviour as completely innocent; others may consider it unacceptable.

What matters is that the boundaries of the relationship are understood and respected by both people.

That conversation should happen between husband and wife or between the couple themselves. If something makes your partner uncomfortable, it deserves to be discussed rather than dismissed with “it's nothing.” And once a boundary has been mutually established, deliberately crossing it is no longer innocent simply because someone else might consider it harmless.

Ultimately, we think your letter points towards something larger.

The gentleman's responsibility is not merely to provide money. It is to provide security, dignity, loyalty, consideration and respect.

But the reciprocal nature of chivalry also means that a gentleman's treatment of a lady exists within a relationship of mutual regard. He honours her, and she honours him. He protects her dignity, and she protects his. He gives, and she gives. He exercises restraint, and she exercises restraint.

That reciprocity does not diminish the woman's worth. It is precisely what makes the relationship meaningful.

Perhaps that is what the old chivalric ideal can still teach us in 2026.

The gentleman cannot exist without the lady. The lady cannot exist without the gentleman.

And perhaps, ultimately, that is what we mean when we say that the best of a man is measured by how well he treats his wife, by whether, after years of marriage, she can still say that the man she chose continues to treat her with honour.

And equally, whether he can say that the woman he chose continues to treat him with the same dignity and grace.

Thank you again, Farzana, for writing to us. Your letter has given us much to reflect upon, and we are grateful for the opportunity to continue this conversation.

Warm regards,

The Gent

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