A royal’s insight: Finding true happiness beyond marital titles

Bruce Wayne and Diana Prince who embody timeless ideals of honor and grace.

DC

Question from YM Tengku R:

Assalamualaikum Gents community.

My name is Tengku R and firstly it's been an amazing insight reading your articles especially on marital affairs which seem to be going on like a pandemic. I am, for one, happy to share my experience on this as I had a fair share of marital problems myself which I hope could give other men some insight.

Regardless of my title, as people often assume that people of the royal family would have a good marriage life, as they are greatly mistaken, I have had a fair share of ordeal when it comes to marital affairs.

As a Muslim, people often say that when you decide to marry, God has shown you your "jodoh" which means that this person is truly the one for you. You then take your oath to God that you will take care of this person until death do us part. That does not mean that you are stuck in this marriage if things go astray and you become unhappy. This is a misconception by many malays out there. Even our prophet Muhammad S.A.W. went through a divorce with his wife Hafsah Umar.

I was once married to another member of the royal family, a "Tengku Puteri". We fought a lot but any relationship that claims to not have fights is in serious denial. But we eventually didn't work out after 2 years simply because most of our principles do not align. Her views and mine are at opposite ends of the spectrum. She sees as an insult that a woman who cooks at home, cleans the house, washes the laundry is nothing but a maid which I strongly disagree with and that had led to constant bickering around the house. When she feels insulted, she speaks to me in a scornful remark at times, with plenty of sarcasm. I sometimes would snore in my sleep and she would tell me I snore like a pig. Can it be in a more elegant way of describing it than calling it as a pig? Many might seem shock with this behavior coming from a noble lineage. Humbly speaking, a title is just a title. In short there was absolutely no chemistry between us. I felt like being with her was just me carrying out my responsibility as a husband by providing, doing the solat etc but we both didn't seem happy with each other. We don't speak much. We don't laugh much. I consulted close friends and almost everyone told me to be patient. It was a test from God but I decided to trust my own instincts and ended the marriage after 2 years.

Fast forward, I am now in my 7th year of marriage with an ordinary girl from Japan with 2 twins. I have moved to kyoto, Japan due to work and found my lucky charm there. The contrast with my first marriage is vast. She is non-confrontational. and when it comes to family, they can be pretty conservative. Rarely do I have issues with her even as I snore in my sleep, she would tell me in a calm manner that I was snoring. There was no insult that I snored "like a pig". She has so much respect for me that it’s impossible to imagine it happening elsewhere. She can also cook extremely well as do the majority of Japanese women. Their rooms are extremely clean and they would clean the men's rooms as well when they fall in love. This is how other women should take heed to be the best version of themselves by being respectful and mindful with their husbands. Japanese women are highly cultured and respectful of their husbands but the outside world doesn't see it as a positive manner but would stereotype them as being suppressed and bullied by men and behaving like a "maid". How can the outside world be better if they see better things in a negative manner? The world needs to know that Japan still conforms to traditional society despite being a highly innovative nation which is a good thing because they preserve their traditional values just like how a monarchy would preserve its historic and cultural values. Why forgo something that is good right?

Had I not heard my instincts and listened to my close friends, I would still be in an unhappy marriage. Moral of the story here is, marriage does not mean this is your "jodoh". It's just a phase for you to assess if this is your "jodoh". You will never know a person until you live with them, so do not be bogged down by the fact that if you are married it means you are stuck with this person forever. You have the power to make that decision.

On a side note, GentsCode could explore more on Japanese cultures as they do embody elements of elegance due to its simplicity (it's called shibui / shibumi) which is align with your gentleman code of conduct.

I end this with a famous idiom "Heaven is an American’s salary, a Chinese cook, an Englishman’s house, and a Japanese wife."