19.06.2025

"Being a gentleman in Malaysia? It’s just pretend." - A brutally honest letter from Suraya

A 29-year-old Malaysian woman challenges the idea of gentleman culture, calling it a façade only suited for royalty and the elite. In a brutally honest letter, she questions whether men can truly honor women during emotional extremes, and argues that gentlemanly conduct in Malaysia is often misunderstood as pretentious.

Raja Izz and Dada Herzog Al-Attas - Founder of Lady of Leisure & Dada Luxury. (photo for illustration only)

 

Dear GC,

I just want to voice out my opinion on your gentleman culture which you are advocating here. Suraya is my name, I am 29 years of age.

My honest opinion is I think this gentleman culture is elitist - it can only be appreciated by the rich, wealthy and elites like the royalties - who are constantly harassed by the public. You have to be a public figure. Hence, whatever conduct that you do is constantly monitored and observed so you have to behave. There isn't any choice because your reputation is on the line.

I have friends who also carry some royalty lineage by name because they have Tengku and Puteri but they behave just like all us regular girls. They speak to their boyfriends and husbands loudly, sometimes they get fed up and scream over the phone to their boyfriends or husbands with obscenities, they don't have any protocol to behave in a certain way. Honestly, when I first had a "Puteri" friend, I thought she would behave differently because I was foolishly influenced by movies where they portray royalties as someone who follows a certain code of conduct. The harsh reality here is they don't, at least not the "Tengku / Puteri" girls in my circle.

In my many relationships, I have dated a Raja, I have dated a Megat, and I have dated regular guys and they are just typical men who speaks like any one man when they are themselves, acts like any other man and flirts with other girls like any other men but they can be sweet talkers which to me is so fake.

When I found out about your site, the first thing that comes to mind is, your gentleman editors are no different than the rest. I am sure you guys can sweet talk your way to a lady with all the princess talk and your so called "honoring the woman" but do you really do that constantly? Of course not right.

Supposedly a "gentleman will never beat woman", oh come on. How many times I have fall for that. My two exes who were a Tengku and Megat swore to me to never lay their hands on me but they did because they couldn't stand my emotions. I am a girl whose emotions are unstable so when I am angry, I would yell and rant non stop with insults for the next 1 hour. That is my dark side and any man who sees that, will act physically because it's natural that men hate women who talk loudly especially when it's all nothing but insults and negativity.

A simple question to GC, can all your editors withstand a 1 hour non-stop blabbing and personal insults from a woman who is pissed and emotional? You will start to go physical right..You can't run because I will chase you for you to listen. I might even aggravate you because I can no longer control myself. This is how generally a woman reacts when they are angry, and naturally a man will retaliate by lashing out.

You can claim that you honor a woman that you won't beat a woman because you are not in a tense situation but when you are in that situation, when you experience it and if your woman has temper issues (which many women are), you will come to a situation where there will be physical attacks. My point is just be who you are. You feel like we have gone over the line, then hit us. When that moment comes, you won't think of gentleman's code and all. Just don't give false promises that you won't lay your hands on because you don't know what situation you are going to get into.

Relationships are unpredictable and most of them have failed because men and women are just different. I agree that we can never be equal. You don't have to be a gentleman because you need to. Just be who you are and don't try to become someone you are not.

If I ever get into a new relationship, if someone tries to be a gentleman, I will just call him off and say please don't be a fake. It might work in other countries like Europe but in Malaysia, being a gentleman doesn't carry any weight and can be construed as being fake.

Your sincerely,

Suraya.

Answer by The Gentleman:

Dear Suraya,

Your letter reached us at a moment when the evening light was fading through our office windows, and we found ourselves reading your words not once, but three times. Bold and honest - exactly the kind of voice that reminds us why we do this work.

You may not realize this, but letters like yours are treasures to us. At GC, we don't merely welcome disagreement; we need it. Your skepticism carries the weight of lived experience, and it mirrors doubts that have haunted us too - quietly, in the small hours when we question whether what we're building has any meaning at all.

When we first trusted and tasked to establish "the gentleman code" platform from ground zero seven years ago, we braced ourselves for the foreseen burden. And it came - along with the eye-rolls, the cynicism, the accusations of being hopelessly out of touch. How could a concept that seemed plucked from aristocrats, spiritual leaders and dusty etiquette books possibly matter in a modern world where relationships are messier, where people are more complex, and where the very idea of traditional gender roles feels like a relic?

But here's what we discovered: We weren't building GC for those who had it all figured out. We built it for those of us who strived to be better, more noble - who had said the wrong thing at the wrong moment, who had let anger cloud our judgment, who had broken hearts and had our own shattered in return. We built it because we desperately needed to believe that honor still exists, even when it doesn't come wrapped in polished manners or eloquent speeches.

What surprised us most was how this pursuit transcended borders and nationalities. While we began as a Malaysian voice, 70% of our readers now come from the United States, the United Kingdom, with growing communities in Europe, Asia such as Indonesia and India joining this conversation. This told us something profound: The longing to be better, to embody dignity and respect, isn't confined to any single culture, nationality or geography. It's a universal values - the desire to become someone worthy of the trust placed in us.

Yes, some of the values we champion did emerge from circles of privilege — from those born into titles, like what you said - Raja and Tengku - wealth, and opportunities that many of us can only dream of. These were people taught from childhood: "Dress Well. Play sports. Honor your family name. Honor the women who raised you. Never raise your hand in anger. Admit when you're wrong. Learn to wear your responsibilities as gracefully as you wear your clothes. Open doors not because you think others are incapable, but because you choose to serve."

Some lived up to these ideals. Some didn't. But the ideals themselves? They transcended their flawed messengers across every nation on earth.

Let us be absolutely clear about where we stand: We will never condone violence against women. Not against mothers, not against partners, not against daughters, not against any woman who crosses our path. This isn't about being macho or pretend to be a prince charming. This is about choosing restraint when every fiber of our being wants to lash out. We choose not to raise our hands because we believe we were raised for something better. Because the lady who brought us into this world - who endured pain to give us life - deserve better than to see us perpetuate cycles of hurt. Because every woman we've ever loved, even in moments of anger, deserves our protection more than our fury.

If we may, let us share something personal with you. Before this platform existed, before we had any mission, one of our community members spent an afternoon with his late uncle in Seri Menanti, Negeri Sembilan. He was a simple man who made his living selling secondhand books, surrounded by towers of worn novels and books. No royal titles, no inherited wealth - just a quiet dignity that filled the cramped space like incense.

Every morning, without fail, he would press his shirts until they were crisp. He would prepare coffee for my aunt before she stirred awake. When he left for his little bookshop, he would pause at the door, bow slightly, and say, "I'll be back, sayang." After fifty years of marriage. Our member's younger self was puzzled. "Uncle, why do you still do all this? You don't need to impress anyone anymore."

He smiled - the kind of smile that holds decades of small joys and quiet sorrows. "Because once, someone told me this is how a gentleman should live. And I discovered I liked that version of myself too much to let him disappear."

That conversation changed something in him. Not because it was dramatic, but because it was persistently noble.

Suraya, we won't insult your intelligence by claiming our ideals can heal every broken relationship. We won't pretend that the men who disappointed you - royal lineages or not - represent the best of what we're trying to encourage. And we want you to know that when you wrote about being hit, about experiencing that violation of trust and safety, we felt the weight of that truth. No woman should ever have to carry those scars. No explanation, no provocation, no circumstance makes it acceptable. We are sorry that happened to you, and we are sorry that it was a man who chose violence over everything you deserved - respect, protection, and love. We will never, ever defend any man who chooses violence over virtue, regardless of his provocation or his pedigree.

But we will say this: Your skepticism on gentleman pursuit is not only valid -it's necessary. You have every right to question the performance of being a gentleman, just as we question it ourselves every single day. The difference is, we've chosen to believe that beneath all the failures and false starts, there might still be some codes worth preserving. Not for show, not for applause, but for the quiet satisfaction of becoming someone we can respect in the mirror.

Perhaps what we're really talking about isn't perfection, but persistence. Not the absence of flaws, but the presence of effort. Not the guarantee of success, but the commitment to keep trying.

And if someday you encounter a man who holds himself to these standards, we hope you'll give him a chance before assuming it's all an act - whether he has a royal title or not. He might not be pretending. He might just be honoring the promise he made to his late father or late mother to become better than he was yesterday.

Your letter reminded us why this work matters. Thank you for that gift, even if it came wrapped in challenge and doubt.

 

With gratitude,

The Gent

RELATED READING: Malay Tradition and Manners, from a perspective of great literary work "Customs Of The Malay Kings (Raja)"

RELATED READING: Elderly reader reflects on societal influence on dressing well and values

RELATED READING: Are you a 'Poyo' or a Gentleman? A checklist



Gentlemen's Code has your back! We're thrilled to announce our brand new section on our website: "Ask the Gentleman." Submit your burning questions on all things refined living, health & fitness, relationships, culture, style, and etiquette by emailing editor@gentlemanscodes.com.

Please note:

1. We no longer accept letters on marital or divorce issues.

2. We do not entertain unconstructive correspondence, race and religion topics, or hate speech.

3. If you are writing on behalf of an institution, organisation, or formal body and wish to submit a letter to GC, we kindly request that you provide reasonable proof of your affiliation or existence. This helps us maintain the integrity of all correspondence.

Thank you for your understanding.

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